FOUR! Golf Hacker Grievances

I am no Tiger Woods but I love the game of golf. I have played since a very young age. But even after more than 30 years of whacking around that little, frustrating white-demon of a ball, I am still a painfully average player. At this stage of my life, I have accepted the fact that golf is a hobby, at best, and I simply try to enjoy the experience. With so few opportunities to play, when I do have the chance (i.e a Window for your dedicated C.I.B.F-ers!) I need to soak in every minute of it.

This brings me to the point.

When I have the time to get out on the links, I want maximize my fun. In a perfect world, I have three great friends playing along side of me rounding out the foursome. However, many times only one or two of your compadres are available to join you on the course.

And herein lies the danger.

For you non-golfers, there is an unwritten rule that applies to groups less than four. Most golf courses, both public and private, prefer (dare I say demand) foursomes whenever possible to keep the pace of play moving and eliminate excess groups. Therefore, if you only have two guys in your group, golf course personnel do their best to pair you up with another two. Follow me?

Now, if you belong to a private club then this practice is somewhat less painful. Typically, you will be somewhat acquainted with your new playing partners and you can still have a pleasant round.

However, for the public course hackers, it is like a ‘buyer beware’ sticker for the golf world. Regardless of skill, personality, color, religion or creed you can be paired with ANYONE. And, frankly, I usually hate these people for a number of reasons.

Here is why…

A public golf course is, oftentimes, the ‘Village of the Damned’ for amateur players. Rules, restrictions and etiquette are frequently thrown out the window in the name of “everybody should have the privilege to play golf”. You know what? No, not everybody should.

While I am not trying to profile here, public links players can often be weekend warriors that march out every Saturday or Sunday to pound the living bejesus out of the ball, not to mention Mother Nature.

Their skill level is usually a C-.
Their grasp of the rules and regulations borders on criminal negligence.
Their respect for course property is like a vandal in heat.

Getting the picture so far?

Here is a visual in case you still can’t quite understand…

The Attire
Imagine two forty-something year old guys. Each dressed in a one-size-too-small golf shirt with a coffee/spaghetti sauce/blood stain on the front of it, a pair of cut off ‘jhorts’ (READ: jhorts= jean shorts), and some old school 1980s Spot Bilt coaches shoes that serve as a substitute for spikes. Odds are they have on some flimsy visor that was given to them for free that reads, “My Favorite Hole is the 19th!”

The Equipment
Golf rules clearly state that a player can have no more that 14 clubs in his/her bag. The weekend hack-attack usually has around 18. The mix of ‘weapons’ typically consists of a miniature golf putter he stole during his kid’s field trip to Canobie Lake, a set of irons that started rusting during the Clinton administration and, amazingly, a brand new driver (which he probably won in the office raffle). Also, these types always have the cool (and incredibly useless) gadgets in their possession. Ball retrieving devices, yardage telescopes, and survival kits are often tucked neatly away in their Budweiser Select golf bag (yeah, the bag is yet another freebie they got from their brother-in-law who won it at dart league).

The Conversation
While I can not prove this fact I am confident there is an unknown, but absolutely quantifiable and scientific, ratio to how bad a golfer plays that is directly proportional to his I.Q. The worse the player, the worse the conversation you will need to endure through a grueling 18 holes. For a player that consistently scores higher than 100 (more than 30 shots higher than the course predicts a player a should shoot) odds are he is discussing NASCAR and the arm wrestling contests between he and his supervisor at the tattoo parlor.

Is the picture getting clearer now?

But, let’s not forget about the most important and telling attribute of the true hack…

The Game
Well, here is the true pinnacle (Get it? Pinnacle! Nevermind, you are probably a hack too!) of the problem. The public course protagonist in this fictional tale based on true events, is simply, just…AWFUL.

The swing is the equivalent of a sugar-high, blind-folded 6 year old waiving at a candy filled piñata.
The contact is more depressing than a Catholic Junior High School Dance.
The follow through is like that of a murder-weapon-hiding cop.
As far as putting, you might as well hand him a spade shovel or a sledgehammer; would not make a difference.

So, what can I tell you?

This article is not an attack on amateur golfers – I am one.
This is not some elitist country club snob spewing his opinions at the masses – I hate those guys.
I am the everyday golfer, but that does not mean that a large majority of the hackers do not annoy me; you do.

Look, I do not pretend to be Jack Nicholson…or is it Phil Micklaus? Or …ah well….what does it matter? And while I am not God’s gift to golf, I am….somebody. (Sorry, couldn’t come up with anything better there).


Don't forget to catch C.I.B.F. on Patch, http://northandover.patch.com
and follow us on Facebook, search, Can I Be Frank?