The 7 year old has more teeth falling out of her head than an Ultimate Fighter.
The 5 year old, with the diet of Buddy the Elf, collects cavities like they were gold; literally (but we’ll get to that).
Naturally, I understand that these dental dilemmas are a part of growing up and their mouths will soon fill up with new adult teeth, but it is like a being surrounded by the Tooth Fairy’s personal highlight reel.
Let’s start with the 5 year old, or as we are now affectionately calling her these days, Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav, for you non-reality TV loving, 1990s hip-hop music listening people, is a rapper and television personality who rose to prominence as a member of the group Public Enemy. More notable than his obnoxious rabble and moronic television series is his gaudy grill of gold teeth. A couple months ago, during a routine visit to the dentist, my youngest received news of her own Public Enemy #1; tooth decay. After her exam the dentist informed us that she could no longer Fight The Power and had two cavities. One was simply fix, but the other cavity was so large he would need to insert a (decorative GOLD) cap over the tooth. Amazingly, a steady intake of Smarties and Starburst will do that to your teeth. Soon thereafter, our own Flavor of Love was born. YEAH BOY!
After a painful procedure (for both her and Mom), Little Flavor was rocking a gold cap that could be easily seen with a small grin. Our daughter’s clearly evil and sadistic parents quickly dubbed her Flavor Flav and made many under-our-breath jokes for the first few weeks. Unfortunately, this 5 year old is not nearly as dumb as we thought. She quickly picked up on her new moniker and while not understanding it’s meaning, found it rather funny.
Time went by and we got used to her mouth of metal. Truthfully, we forgot about it…until. One night, at teeth brushing time, Flavor made a profound statement, “Mom, I need to brush my Flavor Flav tooth extra hard since I just ate a cookie.” Yes, we are bad people that have emotionally scarred a little girl.
And now onto the 7 year old, ‘Gummy McToothlessson’. Miss Middle Child is right in the middle of losing her teeth at a frantic pace. Until a few days ago, it was simply ‘cute’. She lost a couple of bottom teeth, a molar out back, but nothing incredibly noticeable to the naked eye. Then it happened. The front top tooth finally gave way leaving a gap that a dump truck could drive through. And then the SECOND middle tooth fell out, leaving her looking like 1970s Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker/vampire, Jack Lambert. Within a few seconds she went from a sweet adorable 1st grader to a lisping, trailer-park-bred, Dracula child!
AH!!!!
All that flashed in front of my eyes was that episode of the Brady Bunch when Cindy lost a tooth and developed a lisp. And all I could say for thirty minutes was ‘She sells sea shells by the sea shore’. Suddenly I was the father of Sylvester the Cat. Sufferin’ succotash!
Unlike the 5 year old, this child has very delicate sensibili-THIES (sorry, that’s awful) so we did not have the heart to outright make fun of her new dialect…to her face.
Hopefully, you parents are all laughing and not cursing my wife and me for our comical take on the Flavor and Mr. Lambert. We love them and the little circus freak shows going on inside of their mouths.
I know for certain who is laughing as s/he reads this; the orthodontist that is already clearing their schedule for these two.
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