EN-Titled

Putting the business hat on today to discuss a topic that has been bothering me lately; Titles.  Professionals have completely gone overboard with making sure they have a cool, cutting edge and (most annoying to me) self-important title next to their name.  With the inception of social networking, specifically LinkedIn, everyone and their (deadbeat) brother (the one they had to hire as a charity project) has the ability to slap on any proverbial name tag at their discretion.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there was this little known luxury…it was called privacy.  People had the choice to be anonymous, if they so chose.  From a professional standpoint, people only knew “what” you did if you verbally told them or handed them a business card.  Period.  Today, we live in a society that forces us to disclose way-too-much information about ourselves if we want to play in the digital domain.  Whether you like it or not, if you are not participating in social media, then you are likely going to become a fossil and your friends and family will surely abandon you.  Ok, maybe a tad dramatic but I would argue that everyone from grade school to the grave needs to get engaged or the world will be passing you by. 

I am getting off track.

So, in a world with little to no privacy, everyone has decided they need to appear important, creative or well-established to the rest of the planet.  Today, I was on LinkedIn - using it for its ultimate and intended purpose; snooping around people’s professional lives - to determine how they can help ME out.  As I scowered through the hundreds of possible “connections” at my disposal I started to notice some of the ridiculous titles that people are inserting right beneath their name and just to the right of the best-picture-they-have-ever-taken-of-themselves. 

Sorry, but I need to digress again. 

Folks, are you all aware that you do not look anything like that picture you are portraying to the world.  I have met some of you after just seeing your LinkedIn avatar.  Are you kidding me?  The “Kristie Brinkley” that I connected with looks a lot closer to “David Brinkley” when we met for lunch. 

I am really not getting to the point here, am I?

Titles.  How many crazy monikers can we invent to sound important?  Here are a few actual job titles that I caught today which made me want to kick someone in the chest, Rick James-style.  Allow me to translate the actual meaning of these titles.

Entrepreneur & Visionary: Translation: Unemployed Ivy League Graduate.  Pass the Grey Poupon, Mr. Wentworth Van Uselessness the 4^th!

Chief Creative Officer: Translation: My brother-in-law is the CEO and felt bad for me so he gave me this cool title.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get back to cleaning the ladies room.

Senior Account Executive: Translation: SALES!  Don’t be ashamed!

Independent  IT Consultant: Translation: I developed my sister’s dog walking business website with free software I stole from my comic book club blog.  WOOF!

Social Media Strategist: Translation: Facebook Addict.  Seeking more friends.

Environmental Lobbyist: Translation: Waitress/Tree Hugger.  Now go get me some maple syrup for my pancakes, Yoko!

Motivational Speaker: Translation: Girls Under Age 8 Soccer Coach.

John Q, Smith, President, John Q. Smith Enterprises: Translation: My name is John and I am an alcoholic.  I am not even going to attempt to fool you.  I need a real job.

Non-Profit Executive: Translation: Pan Handler.  SPARE CHANGE, SPARE CHANGE!

Financial Services Professional: Translation: Bank Teller.  I want three $10s and a $20, please.

Project Manager: Translation: My boss only gives me one thing to handle at a time because of my ADD.

Food & Beverage Professional: Translation:  I used to work at Wendy’s but got fired for not washing my hands.  Grab me a Frosty on your way out the door, Tubby.

Principal: Translation: I am not the President.  I am not an Owner.  I do not even work at an elementary school.  I have just been here so long they needed to invent something to call me.

Founder: Translation: I work out of my basement.  Ma, the meatloaf!

When did Teachers become ‘Experienced Educational Professionals’?

When did Cops become ‘Law Enforcement Executives’?

Janitors are now “Custodial Engineers”?

Fire Fighters are now referred to “Burn Avoidance Specialists”?

I don’t know…I just wish people were more comfortable with their station in life, like me.

Sincerely,

Francis H. McCabe

Founder, President & Chairman

FHM Worldwide, Inc.