The Unemployment Chronicles: Don't You Kids Get Sick of Me?

Well, 2011 is here.  Frankly (no pun intended), I am excited to see 2010 go....time for some changes.  Changes across the board.  I have gained "some" employment, but nothing I can sink my teeth into just yet.  Anyway...thought I would add another chapter to the Chronicles.

Today's subject: my kids. 

I have shared some weird experiences I have undergone since being unemployed, but today I am just going to give you some straight talk.  Don't judge me...just listen.

My kids are driving me insane. 

Let me give you the gratuitous, "I love them more than words, they are the best thing that ever happened to me, don't know what I would do without them," crap out of the way.  Of course all of that is true, but I need to convey to some realities.

Being home with kids all day is shear horror. 

Until this past week, I had been dealing with them while they were is 'school mode'.  Meaning, for some portion of the day, they were occupied by their education which provided me the wonderful opportunity to be alone; albeit I was doing laundry, dishes, and praying for death. 

However, vacation week presented a new stay-at-home-Dad phenomenon; these children are here ALL day.  They are not going anywhere; unless I take them.  The woman of the house is, once again, out earning for the family, so I can not justifiably complain.  That said, I have wanted to run into the woods and hide...under a POLAR BEAR.

Why aren't you kids sick of me?  I know I am sick of you .  Honestly, all day, every day, we hang out.  We eat together, play together, watch TV together.  Christ, don't you kids need any space???

Today, for example, let me give you the abbreviated run down.

6:38AM - Girls wake and, inside of 8 minutes, are fighting and crying over God knows what?  Had not even open the eye lids and they were jumping on top of me, screaming and battling.  Take it outside!

6:49AM - Here comes the big boy (my oldest).  Hungry, energetic...just too much coming at me before I have sipped my first cup of coffee.  Too much.

I quickly get my bearings and throw some food at them before they decide to eat me or burn the house down in protest. 

Phew...ok, what time we looking at now? 

7:37AM!!?!?! 

Sweet mother of...!!

8:42AM - I decide to take a short time out (and by that, I mean I am hiding in the bathroom, sobbing and hoping they have gotten into some Nyquil). 

No such luck. 

In walks the 4 year old to the bathroom, asking for more pancakes. 

Can I just have 3 minutes?  Just 3 minutes!  No?  Really?

The next 4-5 hours were quickly filled with wardrobe changes, a bath for the girls, excessive amounts of suger-filled snacks and cartoons that surely my wife would not approve of.

So, let's look at the clock, must be time for bed...what...dear Lord, it is 2:05PM!

Don't these kids have anything better to do? 
Don't they have any friends to visit? 
Calls to make? 
Bills to pay? 
Do they really like hanging out with me this much?

Anyway, I'll fast forward for you. 

Come 5:00PM I made them put on their pajamas and painted all of the windows black to make them think it was night time.

Didn't work.

So - before Amy gets home - can someone tell me what takes off black paint off glass..and the best place to hide an empty Nyquil bottle?

New Year's Grieve: Top 10 List

Let me get straight to the point; I HATE NEW YEAR's EVE. 

I do. 

Not to be a Donny Downer, but this is the most over-hyped, over-rated, over-inflated and over-sold holiday of the year.  Basically, you are forced to go out and celebrate. 

Celebrate what? 

The passing of time?  Great.  So now I am 'officially' one year older, one step closer to death and one step farther from my youth?  Awesome.  Where do I sign up for this party? (Have I cheered you up, yet?)

With that said, I have done my very best to enjoy this holiday over the years.   I have tried everything to make the most of it.  Expensive night out in the city, the getaway to the ski resort, the stay-at-home-with-your-loved-one-and-watch-the-ball-drop-snuggle-fest...and everything in between. 

All have proven to be a let down.


So, before I put all of you on suicide watch with my depressing outlook, here is my Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate New Year's Eve....

10.       Forced Excitement
If you choose to head out with friends, you are required to be in party all night long, rock star mode to fit in.  Simply sipping a festive drink or just taking a back seat to the so-called excitement is not accepted.  Drink up, throw up and dance...damnit!

9.        Dress Code
Yes, for some unknown reason, the ritual of getting dressed up seems to always apply to New Year's Eve parties.  Sounds really good, right?  Slap on a coat and tie AT NIGHT and try to look slick until the clock strikes midnight.  We all know you for a certainty that you are losing, spilling on, or, my personal favorite,  tying that neck tie around your head at some point of the evening.  No good things come of formal wear on December 31.

8.      SO Late!
Again, don't want to sound like I am ready for the nursing home, but New Year's Eve, for certain, requires you to stay out VERY late.  Midnight is a minimum, right?  But we all know by the time all of the pomp and circumstance ends you are looking at hitting the pillow no earlier than 2AM.  All set.  Night night.

7.     Cost
Everything on New Year's is jacked up.  All of the bars, restaurants, hotels, etc. decide to make us pay a premium because it is the all powerful New Year's Eve.  For example, "$100/person gets you an all night party, open bar (3 drink maximum), and a complimentary glass of champagne at midnight".  Are you freaking kidding me?  No, they are not kidding...and I have fallen for this "deal"....more than once.

6.    Transportation
Outside of possibly St. Patrick's Day, New Year's Eve is a rookie cop's dream.  The ultimate night of tracking down possible drunk drivers.  So, if you get stuck with the role of  'D.D.' then you really are in for a night of no laughs.  What are the other options?  Cabs?  Trains?  All modes of transportation are really too hard to find or extremely inconvenient.  Oh, and if you happen to be from New England, as I am....chances are...it will be REALLY DAMN COLD at 1AM!

5.    Annoying Drunks
Unless you are one...it stinks.  Every time.  Enough said.

4.  Silly Hats, Streamers, and Horns
Please, just please...leave it down.

3.    The Next Day
If you do decide to go full tilt and party like is actually is 1999 (P.S. and by the way...I was there and...such a let down...I didn't get to see, hear or kiss Prince...nor any member of The Revolution for that matter) you are destined for a long next day on the couch watching the Rose Bowl Parade, eating saltine crackers and drinking flat ginger ale.  Fact.

2.  Uncomfortable Intimacy
Listen, I like a good smooch as much as the next guy (hell, maybe more) but I have no interest in planting one on every looped and lonely 'Lisa Lack of Self Esteem' in the room just because the calendar moved.  Hey, don't get me wrong, from the ages of 17-22, New Year's Eve was Gangsta's Paradise.  You had the built in excuse to lay one on Phylis from Physics with no repercussions. But, beyond those wonder years...no thanks.

1.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!
OH MY GOD!!!  HAPPY NEW YEAR! (KISS, KISS, HUG HUG).  HIGH FIVE!  LOW FIVE!  POUND!  CHEST BUMP!  ASS BUMP!  WOO HOO!!!! 

WHAT TIME IS IT ANYWAY????

12:03AM.

Oh. 

Goodnight.  See you next year.

The Unemployment Chronicles: Death of a Mustache

For the first time in my adult life I am without a full time occupation.  A number of factors lead me to make a change I am now in the process of finding that next great challenge in my professional life.  It has been roughly 6 weeks since I have been "required" to head off to work every morning as I have for the last 14 years.  I have to tell you - it is a strange feeling.  With 3 young children and a wife who has ramped up her hours as a nurse, I am hardly bored, but I am also finding I am doing some strange things given this new "free time".  Enjoy the first installment of 'The Unemployment Chronicles".

Death of a Mustache
In my career, I have always been required to maintain a neat and polished look for all of the jobs I have held.  Clean shaven, groomed haircut..I actually showered EVERY DAY!  When I realized that I no longer had to do that - at least for a little while - the 'playoff beard' was born! 

After a few days, it looked rugged, dare I say Brett Favre-ish!?!  After a week, I looked like a hobo.  After two weeks, I was scratching like a mangy dog with fleas and I knew it had to go. 

Or did it? 

So, I compromised and shaved that scruff into...wait for it...yes, a magnificent mustache! 

Not sure where you all stand on mustaches, but I (and many of my friends) find them to be one of the most unintentionally funny sights in the world.  I am not even sure why, but they make me laugh. 

With that said, this was going to be my new look and I am going to rock it!

I remember it was a Sunday as I walked outside to share this bad boy with the world!  The first person I encountered was my next door neighbor - who HAS a mustache, full time.  I got the most perplexed look from him.  Did he think I was mocking his beloved "Buffalo cheese"?  Did he think I had lost my mind?  I found myself covering my face with my hand as I quickly tried to get away from him. 

Well, that was awkward, but I am running with this thing and I don't care what others think!

Or do I?

Next, I made a visit to a friend's house.  Upon viewing the new "addition" he burst into outrageous laughter and could not break out the cell phone camera quick enough.  Yes, this picture!

OK, he got a laugh, that's what I expected.  BUT, it will not shake my confidence.  This is the new, retro-cool-unemployed-I -don't-care-what-society-has-to-say Frank.  I will not flinch because of a few snickers.

Or will I?

Next, I was moving onto my favorite aunt's house for a little Sunday afternoon football get together.  I knew I would see several members of the family who would surely embrace this new look I was donning, right?  Um, no.  Questions, laughter and outright concern for my mental welfare was all I got from these so-called-relatives.  Why don't they appreciate the fact that I am making some changes in my life and this mustache is more than just facial hair; it is now part of my moral fiber!  My uncle, who I consider one of the most intelligent men in the world, simply looked at me and calmly stated, "That is the worst mustache in the history of the world,". 

OK, starting to feel a little defeated here. 

Would this mustache live to fight another day? 

Time for the ultimate taste test - the wife.

She had worked that day and had not see me and my new "experiment".  This is my last hope.  If my wife of nearly 10 years could not appreciate the greatness of a fresh mustache on her husband, then no one could.

I walked into the house, up the stairs and unveiled this facial masterpiece.

After a very brief and unenthusiastic chuckle she uttered the final words that mustache would ever hear...

"Shave that stupid thing off right now."

Yes, dear.

Time of death, 6:38PM.  We hardly knew you, buddy...Rest in Peace


Next from The Unemployment Chronicles....'Bloody Mary's and Bubble Baths'

Stay tuned...