Monday, April 23, 2012
Guilty Pleasures: Romantic Comedies
What do Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock, Drew Barrymore, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Aniston, Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson and John Cusack all have in common? Yes, they are all celebrities, but that is not the correct answer. The correct answer, Alex, is 9 people whose movies I cannot shut off; no matter what.
Why? Because I am a romantic comedy sucker.
I love them. Add it to the ‘Guilty Pleasure Hall of Shame’.
Like all guilty pleasures, I suppose, we have no idea what draws us in, but we cannot fight the urge to indulge ourselves. I am really not sure when this little dysfunctional habit began but I am certain it is a problem. I would compare the experience to witnessing a car accident; you really don’t want to look, but you have to. When a fight broke out in the high school cafeteria, you likely did not want to see anyone hurt, but you did want a ring side seat to the action.
While I do not know when the first incident happened, I do know the most recent occurrence; 2:34AM last night. I awoke from a dead sleep and found I was a restless. Decided to go downstairs and get a drink. Took a sip of water and realized I am wide awake, so what do I do but turn on the T.V. Start flipping through the channels that are basically consumed by rebroadcasts of the late news and info-mercials until, wait one second….that’s Drew Barrymore! What do we have here? Going the Distance? As a matter fact, I will.
Sign. Me. Up.
My intention was to catch a few minutes and then get my sad sack arse back to bed before my crazy children start waking up. Oh no. Watched the whole thing. I even found myself laughing – out loud – during several scenes. Really? Do I really find the sappy banter and completely predictable story line that entertaining? Yes. Yes, I do.
The problem is ALL of these movies are EXACTLY the same. Identical. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl like each other. Boy and girl have a falling out but, in the end, love conquers all. All along the way we get to experience the funny quips, silly side characters and all of the other sappily-ever-after crap. End of story.
Am I wrong?
So, if that is truly the case then why do I continue to watch these foolish films? The greater issue is not that I watch these films…but that I watch them again and again and again.
How many times can I catch John Cusack catch that stupid black glove in Serendipity?
Apparently, infinity.
Why do I continually tune in to that scamp Jennifer Aniston make out with EVERYONE in her romantic comedy path of destruction? (Adam Sandler, Vince Vaughn, Gerard Butler, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, Ben Stiller and even that old pervert, Kevin Costner, just to name a few!)
Answer: I am sick.
When am I going to realize that Julia Roberts is not going to steal away Dermot Mulrooney from Cameron Diaz in My Best Friend’s Wedding?
When, damnit, when? Never.
9 Months, Notting Hill, He’s Just Not That In to You, Just Go With It, The Bounty Hunter, The Break Up, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Forces of Nature, While You Were Sleeping, Sleepless in Seattle, Along Came Polly, Failure to Launch, Rumor Has It, Fever Pitch, Never Been Kissed, 27 Dresses, Two Weeks Notice, America’s Sweethearts, and The Ugly Truth.
Tip of the iceberg. Seen ‘em all before. Will watch ‘em all again. No question.
The real ugly truth is that I am sharing this with anyone.
I need a shower.
P.S. I Love You (no, not you…I forgot to mention this movie)
Friday, April 13, 2012
Flavor Flav & Jack Lambert
Is there a dentist in the house? If so, I have some cosmetic work that could greatly use your attention. My two daughters are going through some difficult teeth time in their young lives.
The 7 year old has more teeth falling out of her head than an Ultimate Fighter.
The 5 year old, with the diet of Buddy the Elf, collects cavities like they were gold; literally (but we’ll get to that).
Naturally, I understand that these dental dilemmas are a part of growing up and their mouths will soon fill up with new adult teeth, but it is like a being surrounded by the Tooth Fairy’s personal highlight reel.
Let’s start with the 5 year old, or as we are now affectionately calling her these days, Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav, for you non-reality TV loving, 1990s hip-hop music listening people, is a rapper and television personality who rose to prominence as a member of the group Public Enemy. More notable than his obnoxious rabble and moronic television series is his gaudy grill of gold teeth. A couple months ago, during a routine visit to the dentist, my youngest received news of her own Public Enemy #1; tooth decay. After her exam the dentist informed us that she could no longer Fight The Power and had two cavities. One was simply fix, but the other cavity was so large he would need to insert a (decorative GOLD) cap over the tooth. Amazingly, a steady intake of Smarties and Starburst will do that to your teeth. Soon thereafter, our own Flavor of Love was born. YEAH BOY!
After a painful procedure (for both her and Mom), Little Flavor was rocking a gold cap that could be easily seen with a small grin. Our daughter’s clearly evil and sadistic parents quickly dubbed her Flavor Flav and made many under-our-breath jokes for the first few weeks. Unfortunately, this 5 year old is not nearly as dumb as we thought. She quickly picked up on her new moniker and while not understanding it’s meaning, found it rather funny.
Time went by and we got used to her mouth of metal. Truthfully, we forgot about it…until. One night, at teeth brushing time, Flavor made a profound statement, “Mom, I need to brush my Flavor Flav tooth extra hard since I just ate a cookie.” Yes, we are bad people that have emotionally scarred a little girl.
And now onto the 7 year old, ‘Gummy McToothlessson’. Miss Middle Child is right in the middle of losing her teeth at a frantic pace. Until a few days ago, it was simply ‘cute’. She lost a couple of bottom teeth, a molar out back, but nothing incredibly noticeable to the naked eye. Then it happened. The front top tooth finally gave way leaving a gap that a dump truck could drive through. And then the SECOND middle tooth fell out, leaving her looking like 1970s Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker/vampire, Jack Lambert. Within a few seconds she went from a sweet adorable 1st grader to a lisping, trailer-park-bred, Dracula child!
AH!!!!
All that flashed in front of my eyes was that episode of the Brady Bunch when Cindy lost a tooth and developed a lisp. And all I could say for thirty minutes was ‘She sells sea shells by the sea shore’. Suddenly I was the father of Sylvester the Cat. Sufferin’ succotash!
Unlike the 5 year old, this child has very delicate sensibili-THIES (sorry, that’s awful) so we did not have the heart to outright make fun of her new dialect…to her face.
Hopefully, you parents are all laughing and not cursing my wife and me for our comical take on the Flavor and Mr. Lambert. We love them and the little circus freak shows going on inside of their mouths.
I know for certain who is laughing as s/he reads this; the orthodontist that is already clearing their schedule for these two.
The 7 year old has more teeth falling out of her head than an Ultimate Fighter.
The 5 year old, with the diet of Buddy the Elf, collects cavities like they were gold; literally (but we’ll get to that).
Naturally, I understand that these dental dilemmas are a part of growing up and their mouths will soon fill up with new adult teeth, but it is like a being surrounded by the Tooth Fairy’s personal highlight reel.
Let’s start with the 5 year old, or as we are now affectionately calling her these days, Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav, for you non-reality TV loving, 1990s hip-hop music listening people, is a rapper and television personality who rose to prominence as a member of the group Public Enemy. More notable than his obnoxious rabble and moronic television series is his gaudy grill of gold teeth. A couple months ago, during a routine visit to the dentist, my youngest received news of her own Public Enemy #1; tooth decay. After her exam the dentist informed us that she could no longer Fight The Power and had two cavities. One was simply fix, but the other cavity was so large he would need to insert a (decorative GOLD) cap over the tooth. Amazingly, a steady intake of Smarties and Starburst will do that to your teeth. Soon thereafter, our own Flavor of Love was born. YEAH BOY!
After a painful procedure (for both her and Mom), Little Flavor was rocking a gold cap that could be easily seen with a small grin. Our daughter’s clearly evil and sadistic parents quickly dubbed her Flavor Flav and made many under-our-breath jokes for the first few weeks. Unfortunately, this 5 year old is not nearly as dumb as we thought. She quickly picked up on her new moniker and while not understanding it’s meaning, found it rather funny.
Time went by and we got used to her mouth of metal. Truthfully, we forgot about it…until. One night, at teeth brushing time, Flavor made a profound statement, “Mom, I need to brush my Flavor Flav tooth extra hard since I just ate a cookie.” Yes, we are bad people that have emotionally scarred a little girl.
And now onto the 7 year old, ‘Gummy McToothlessson’. Miss Middle Child is right in the middle of losing her teeth at a frantic pace. Until a few days ago, it was simply ‘cute’. She lost a couple of bottom teeth, a molar out back, but nothing incredibly noticeable to the naked eye. Then it happened. The front top tooth finally gave way leaving a gap that a dump truck could drive through. And then the SECOND middle tooth fell out, leaving her looking like 1970s Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker/vampire, Jack Lambert. Within a few seconds she went from a sweet adorable 1st grader to a lisping, trailer-park-bred, Dracula child!
AH!!!!
All that flashed in front of my eyes was that episode of the Brady Bunch when Cindy lost a tooth and developed a lisp. And all I could say for thirty minutes was ‘She sells sea shells by the sea shore’. Suddenly I was the father of Sylvester the Cat. Sufferin’ succotash!
Unlike the 5 year old, this child has very delicate sensibili-THIES (sorry, that’s awful) so we did not have the heart to outright make fun of her new dialect…to her face.
Hopefully, you parents are all laughing and not cursing my wife and me for our comical take on the Flavor and Mr. Lambert. We love them and the little circus freak shows going on inside of their mouths.
I know for certain who is laughing as s/he reads this; the orthodontist that is already clearing their schedule for these two.
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