The Iceman Cometh

I am not the handiest of homeowners.  Truthfully, I am pretty bad.  I try, but it is like a foreign language to me; just does not make sense.  I can do the basics...cut the lawn, paint a room, screw in a light bulb...but sadly it does not go much farther than that.  Even the simple handy-man tasks intimidate, and frankly, do not interest me in the slightest (which is probably why I am typing this silly blog from the catacombs of The Nerditorium rather than patching up the hole in my son's bedroom wall!!).

What makes the situation more painful is that I surrounded my own personal cast of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. My Dad is a master carpenter and a general contractor.  My father-in-law can fix ANYTHING.  My brother-in-law runs a roofing business.  And to make matters worse, all of my neighbors are constantly working on improving their homes. Sure, they all offer their help understanding the sad state of my fix-'er-up acumen, but it is never enough.  Meanwhile, the paint peals off of my house.  The front steps are falling apart.  The basement is something out of Nightmare on Elm Street.  The list of is endless...just ask my wife.

Today, however, I was inspired to take charge of the most pressing home improvement project I have ever noticed about my dilapidating abode; my cable T.V. was in jeopardy! 6:45AM (imagine the ticking clock music from 24)

I stood in my kitchen making school lunches (oh yes, I am Betty Crocker...just not Bob Villa) when I noticed that my cable wire, which has been hanging off the side of the house for months, was now in the frozen cocoon of an icicle the size of...I am not exaggerating....a Pontiac Bonneville.  My heart sank.  At any given moment, this 'glacier' could break and take my precious television viewing privileges with it.  This pending doom is where I draw the line!  I raced up the stairs, threw on some warmer clothes, and prepared to deal with this potentially paralyzing home entertainment crises.  

I knew what needed to be done.  This mammoth ice monster needed to be destroyed.  I grabbed the hammer (actually, I asked Amy where the hammer was) and headed outside to the frozen tundra that is my yard.

I trudged outside and crossed through the nearly three feet of snow that has fallen this month.  I approached the beast and pondered my strategy.  Yep, pretty simple.  Smash the s&% out of this thing!  As I was following through with my Babe Ruth-like homerun swing, it suddenly struck me that this might not be the way to go.  This could take the cable down with it.  Uh oh!  Maybe I should....too late...CRASH!  Down came Mount Everest to the earth.  I closed my eyes for a second...wondering if I had just wrecked Tuesday's dream of American Idol and Entertainment Tonight.  I squint the lids open and notice the WIRE WAS STILL IN TACT!  

WOO HOO!   Take that 'This Old House'!  

There is a new Sheriff in town!  

Crises: Averted.  

Cable TV: still rocking.  

That should keep the wife, Ty Pennington and Sir Edmund Hillary (for you history buffs he the guy that first climbed Mt. Everest) quiet for a while.

See you tonight Ryan Seacrest!