A Lie-fe Lesson

(As a pre-cursor to this post, please note that I am not advocating nor condoning the act of lying. What I am suggesting is that a certain level of “politeness” needs to be maintained in order for our society to function as a whole. Read on.)


According to the great short-cut-creators for the diction deficient, Wikipedia, a lie is defined as follows…

A lie (also called prevarication, falsehood) is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive others

We all know what a lie is. And whether you are lying about how fast you were driving or the location of the missing body in question, lying, in my experience, will eventually catch up to you. When it does, there is always a price to pay…be it the disappointed look from a parent as you enter a ‘time out’ or the desolate stare from your new cellmate, Bubba, as you enter Alcatraz.

In the incredibly below average film, “The Invention of Lying” (filmed in – cue the Bruce Springsteen background music – my hometown of Lowell, MA) they glimpse into a society where lies do not exist. While the movie was a flop, the lesson is clear; a world with total and complete honesty is dysfunctional.

Nonetheless, most people would agree that lying is a ‘bad thing’, but I contend that without some presence of lies in our everyday life, we would not be able to maintain any of our relationships; with family, friends, co-workers …and so on.

“White lies” are usually told in situations that have no serious bearings or consequences. White lies are the things we say just to keep the day moving and avoid unnecessary conflict. White lies work. White lies are good (or was that ‘Greed’? Have to double check with my moral compass, Gordon Gecko.)

Now before I have to fight off the attacks from all of you God-fearing-Bible-quoting purists, let me explain. How many times in a typical day are we “forced” to tell a white lie? Think about it.

Some examples…

“Hey Steve, so sorry I am late for the meeting…but the traffic was just…”
(Right…and by “traffic” do you mean “hangover”?)

“Julie, I love your sweater! So flattering on you.”
(You excitedly state to your boss as she waddles down the hall wearing something that was spawn from the closet of Bill Cosby & Thornton Mellon's Tall and Fat Collection)

“Oh my goodness, your baby is gorgeous!”
(What you really mean is, ‘Where did you find Shrek the 5th? At the orphanage in a Leper colony?) [that one is for the lovely ladies in the LGH MIU]


Just the tip of the lie-ceberg…


“Honey that was a delicious dinner. I’d love some more but I am totally stuffed”
(After being served Central American prison gruel from her cookbook of horror)

“Boy, Bill, young Billy is sure turning out to be one heck of a little ball player,”
(Moments after his kid dropped 3 fly balls and struck out looking 4 times to cost his team the game. Hey Billy, you stink, pal.)

“Ahh, kids, thanks for this beautiful Cat in Hat, glow in the dark bow tie! I will wear this to work tomorrow”
(Sure I will. Sorry kids, truth hurts)

And that is the point. Certain truths will only cause pain and, at the very least, insult the people on the receiving end.

Just last week I forgot to give my wife an important phone message. When asked about it a few days later, I informed her that I did, in fact, tell her about it (when I knew right well I did not). After all, that is just going to cause ME pain and suffering. (Whew, I am so glad she does not read this blog!) Alright, that specific logic may be a little off point, but you know what I mean?

In closing, I am not endorsing anyone taking the stand as a character witness in the Night Strangler trial, but I am preaching that a healthy amount of teensy-weensy-half-truths will surely result in a more happy and harmonious existence.

Just remember, you can’t spell LIFE without L-I-E.

Isn’t that right, Dr. Drew?

Phrank the Phantom

In the first summer edition of C.I.B.F.; it’s restaurant review week!

Specifically we are talking about customer service. Can it ever be too good? Seems like a stupid question. Who among us does not like a pleasant experience with the nice people who serve us our meals? Oftentimes, great customer service is what builds reputations and ensures loyalty. Right?

Well, if there is such a phenomenon as customer service that was too good, I just experienced it.

Last week, my wife and I were out for our Anniversary/Father’s Day/Bruins-Winning-the-Stanley Cup dinner. We made reservations at an incredible new steakhouse we had never been to before, which I will not name. (but if you really want to know, I’ll tell you!).

The atmosphere was incredible. The food was amazing. The service, however, was simply too good…or more specific too much. Too many greetings. Too many people checking in every 8 seconds. Too many waiters serving us. It was customer service overload.

The following is an actual reenactment of our dining experience (I may be exaggerating a little…but this is really close.)

Enter the establishment. Immediately, we are greeted with Fenway Park-like applause and cheers from the entire staff. I may have even heard a “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’ in the mix, but it was too loud to tell. Finally, when the excitement died down we were airlifted like Ali Baba on a magic carpet and carried to our table by four giant men wearing togas (insert ‘Animal House’ line of your choice here). Upon arrival, we are delicately placed into robes and gently placed down onto our gold plated velvet chairs.

We were not asked if we wanted water. These people poured it into our mouths for us.

We did not receive a cocktail menu. Instead Tom Cruise and ‘the other guy’ jumped over the bar to concoct custom martinis tailored specifically for us based on a background check and an extensive family history.

Before we could take a deep breath and attempt to read the menu, we had 3 different cows standing tableside for our choosing.

What the hizzy is going on here?

Maybe I will take a look at the wine list? OH NO! Look out, here comes Kendall Jackson and the Cabernet 5 racing to our disposal with a vat of fresh grapes ready to stomp like that ‘I Love Lucy’ episode.

Jeez.

At this point, we are starting to sweat. This is just way too much pressure for a supposed relaxing dinner for two.

Not only was the service frantic, but the pace was unbelievable. Correct me if I am wrong but when you typically sit down for a nice meal at a high end restaurant you expect to take your time? No? Start with a drink, ease into an appetizer, slowly moving on to the main course and capped off with a dessert or coffee. Not here at Senor Speedy’s. No, no. We were in and out in less that one hour. It was like an episode of Man vs. Food. We felt like we were being timed.

Before I even took my final beat-the-clock-bite of steak, one of the 82 people serving us was abruptly cleaning up the table. The fork in my hand was replaced by a pen to sign the check that magically appeared sometime around salad.

Whew! It was intense.

After a few days to ponder this event, I have come up with some rules of thumb to offer my new friends at the Hurryup Café:

 Most people actually enjoy chewing their own food; I promise you.
 It is most common to request a credit card AFTER the meal is served.
 While foot massages are nice, not necessary during dinner.
 Allow your guests maybe like 5 or even 10 seconds between the crabcake and the chocolate cake
 Lastly, do not stare at your guests with a forced, frightened, pained smile throughout the meal. It really does wreck the appetite

Food for thought. (Ha, ha…get it? It’s a play on wor…uhg…sorry)

Warm Regards,
Phrank (a.k.a. The Phantom Gourmet)
(no, not really…or maybe I am?)

Tin Year Anniversary

Attention female readers of “Can I Be Frank?” I may need your advice! Maybe? Not sure yet? Please read on.

Later this month we will celebrate our ten year wedding anniversary (you can hold your applause, but thanks). Ten years! Whew. A lot has happened. Three kids, three moves, three jobs. Like everyone married for that amount of time we have had our ups, downs and everything in between. Overall, it has been a fun and, certainly, interesting ride thus far.

OK, enough with the background noise. I did a little research on the old Google machine and what I learned was that the traditional or, at least,

symbolic ten year anniversary gift involves tin or aluminum.

According to www.the-wedding-anniversary-site.com,

"...the tin and aluminum symbols of the tenth wedding anniversary gift represent durability and pliability, meaning it can be bent but not broken. Within your marriage by this stage you will have experience the need to compromise on some things, but your marriage is still going strong,".

Sure, makes enough sense. I'll bite. After considering this fact for a very short while I have come up with (I believe) a few brilliant and meaningful gift ideas that will not only keep with tradition but bring a big smile to the Mrs.’ face.

Ready?

Here we go...

Tin Foil

Useful, practical, affordable...almost always needed around the house. I would say that encapsulates my lovely wife to a capital T! No?

A Tin Can

The universal symbol for the wandering, free spirit (a.k.a. 'a bum'). I think this gift captures my carefree-throw-caution-to-the-wind disposition which so perfectly balances against Amy's conservative and calculated nature (not to mention, if I do not find gainful employment VERY soon, I will be sent packing with that tin can and starring in my own reality series, "Real Hobos from Essex County"). No, really, I will.

A Tin Whistle

A traditional Irish instrument used to make beautiful music...a lot like she and I have made for the last decade (wait a second...that one almost borders of clever and romantic). Nah.

And last but not least...

The Tobacco Tin

Often referred to as simply a "tin", chewing tobacco is frequently housed in a small tin container. In my estimation, tobacco use – and the tin itself - is representative of loyalty, commitment and a touch of unforeseeable but probable doom...just like marriage. Right?

You know what? As I continue to type and think about all of these terrific tin treats, I realize that my wife deserves them all! Yeah, that’s it. Nothing too good for her.

So, on our anniversary I will drape myself in tin foil….while chewing tobacco….while playing the tin whistle. As for the tin can…that can be my tip jar. How could she not be impressed with that display of thoughtfulness?

Well, I feel better now. Guess I was worried for no reason. I think I have my anniversary plan wrapped up in a bow (pun intended) but if you girls want to weigh in, be my guest.

Warm Regards,

Frank "The Tin Man" McCabe

P.S. Apparently the Daffodil is the 10 year anniversary flower. Maybe that is a safer bet?

P.P.S. Don't forget to find me on Patch as well, http://northandover.patch.com