Yes, the new leader of the Church has taken on the name St. Francis of Assisi, the saint most notable for his work with the poor and also for whom yours truly was named after.
When the announcement was made about the new pontiff’s name, my Dad immediately texted me completely elated about the news.
“Great day for Frankie (my son) you and Papa (my Dad, also a Francis)” it read.
And while I am fairly certain that the Holy Father did not have the McCabe boys in mind when he chose his new label, I have to admit, I thought it was kind of cool.
But this is not about educating you on Popes, Saints or the history of men named Frank in my family (by the way, there were a few bad ones in the mix…just saying). What got me thinking was what it must be like to be Pope?
Is there a more prestigious title in the humanly world?
As I continued to read up on the new leader of the church I was refreshed with some of the privileges this Holy Roller is entitled to.
For starters…
The Pope is the religious, spiritual and moral leader of over a BILLION people. That’s the United States times 3 and represents the largest religious affiliation in the world. So basically, he can shout out commands to one in every seven people and they might actually listen. How fun would it be to wander around giving ridiculous orders? One word: awesome.
“Kneel! Never mind. Sit. No, no, no, Stand! Kiss my ring! Do a hand stand! Jump in that fountain.”
And guess what…some people may do all of those things like a trained monkey.
What else? Oh yeah, the Pope is considered INFALLIBLE. I’ll say it again, INFALLIBLE. Think of all of the trouble you could get out of? No blame….for anything.
“Excuse me, your Excellence, did you spill the orange juice/leave the toilet seat up/murder the Prime Minister?”
“No I certainly did not! And are YOU questioning me?”
“Terribly sorry, your excellence. You are right. It was me. I will go repent now”
“That’s a good idea, my son. And while you are at it, I am running low on Starburst and vodka so why don’t you get to the store for me.”
That, my friends, would be….sweeeeeeet.
As I thought more about all of the perks of the pontiff, I decided to jot down some of the things I would alter (Get it? “alter”. Never mind. Heathens!) if I were Pope Francis I.
(NOTE: if you expect me to renounce canon law or touch on touchy subjects like abortion and gay marriage, think again. Ain’t gonna happen. I got in to enough trouble when I made fun of Barry Manilow…let alone the Church.)
And so…
If I Were Pope….
Sunday Mass
Church is a personal and private experience that means something different to everyone. That said, the Church needs more folks and more funds and unlike many of my loyal subjects, numbers don’t lie (sorry, already getting all ‘Popie’ on you!). So, from this day forward, all churches will now operate a fully functional disco, an open bar (wine only) and a free daycare service open for business each and every Sunday. You wants more peeps in those pews….lighten it up a bit!
Water & Wine
I can just see the advertisement…
“Water & Wine, the first Christian-themed water park conveniently located inside the walls of Vatican City! Enjoy our world famous “Pope Rope Swing” ride where Catholics from all corners of the globe are launched into our giant wave pool of Holy Water.
You want to make that next family christening an affair to remember? Bring your kid to the ‘Pope Floats’ baptismal pool!
After a long day on those sacred slides, slide yourself into “Stairway to Heaven”, our Paradise-themed restaurant and bar. Enjoy one of our famous ‘Bishop Burgers’ and delicious glass of our Pope-made wine while our God-fearing Led Zeppelin cover band ‘Peter, Paul and Mary’ bangs out your favorite church turns from yesterday and today. Located in the far end of the park, ‘Stairway to Heaven” is adjacent to the gift shop where you will find such coveted souvenirs as ‘Pope Soap: Cleanse yourself of your sins right in the convenience of your own bath tub!’
Confessions
Catholics love to bear their souls and seek forgiveness from God. Most leave the practice of confession with a lighter heart but often a guilty conscious. Let’s alleviate that bit. I would decree that all confessions end with the priest stating, “I am sure you didn’t mean it. Now go get some ice cream you crazy sinner!”
Lenten Fridays
For you non-Catholics, during the holy season of Lent (40 days leading up to Easter) it is common practice for believers to abstain from eating meat on Fridays. Well, guess who just classified ’bacon’ as 'vegan'? ME! Why? Because I am the pope and I can! Enjoy!
Sex
Sexual relations are forbidden for not only the Pope but all ‘men and women of the cloth’. I would….wait a second…no way….never mind. You almost got me.
But you may imagine what I would do with this rule….at least for this Pope Francis? ;)
Happy Easter!
No comments:
Post a Comment