Dart in the Neck

Remember the 2003 comedy flick Old School? Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn and one of those Wilson brothers play 30-something year old friends that start a fraternity at a nearby college and attempt to relive their glory days. One of the great scenes in the movie is when Ferrell (‘Frank the Tank’ in the film) accidently shoots himself in the neck with a tranquilizer gun during a kid’s birthday party. The result was a delusional, discombobulated Frank attempting to get his bearings, but the powerful drug overpowers him until he completely passes out into the pool to the sounds of 6 year old children screaming in fear.

This brilliant and hilarious scene out of a cult classic reminded my wife and I of our own real life ‘dart in the neck’ phenomenon going on each and every night at our house. As you probably know by now if you have followed any of my columns, we have a son with autism. Without getting into all of the details of our son’s behaviors and ‘symptoms’ due to his autism, I will tell you that hyperactivity is one of them. So much so, he has a very difficult time sitting still for extended periods of time. Shortly after he was diagnosed at the age of two, he began to have difficulty sleeping. More specifically, he had a difficult time falling asleep and even then it would only last a few short hours before his ‘engine was running’ again. After a few non-invasive sleep therapies (change of diet, some soothing techniques, and even a few herbal remedies) we soon realized that more drastic measures were needed if he (and more importantly, his parents!) were to ever get a decent night’s sleep again! We took him to see a neurologist to discuss our sleepless situation. After a brief consultation he offered the option of using a mild sedative that our son would take each night before bedtime. Without any hesitation, question or concern for any possible medical side effects we both jumped at this solution. “YES, YES, PLEASE! Do you have any pills on you right now? Can we take it as well? Can we get a year’s supply in advance?” Not exactly what we said, but pretty damn close. We skipped out of the doc’s office, prescription in hand, and were very excited to try out this new Circadian Rhythm-correcting cure! Fingers crossed, we eagerly filled the script at the pharmacy and headed home to drug our baby boy, Tony Montegna-style! Slipped that first magical pill into some apple juice and…down the hatch. If memory serves me, we basically stared at him for the next hour. Slowly, but noticeably, we watched Crazy Legs Hirsch evolve into a Sleepy the Dwarf and gently drift off to sleep. SERENITY NOW! BOOM! Pop the champagne, break out the Kool AND his Gang because it was time to celebrate! (of course, our little 2-person party lasted about 43 minutes….hell, we had not slept in weeks either!) We headed off to bed feeling as if we had conquered at least one problem in his ever-changing care plan. And so, things went on like that for a while. Each evening, around 6:00PM, we would slip him a Mickey and he would drift off to dreamland without issue – and typically sleep right through the night. However, as he started to age, we realized this procedure had a slightly more dramatic effect. Keeping in mind, when we first started this medication, he was still a small “baby”. We would hold him, rock him and then place him into his crib. As time wore on and he quickly grew into a toddler, we needed to be a bit more alert once these drugs entered his system. We soon discovered if we were not on top of things, our boy would fall asleep in strange and precarious places and positions. Flat out in the middle of the kitchen floor. Sitting up in his chair. On the toilet once (near drowning avoided). It was around that time my wife began referring to our son’s medication as the ‘DART IN THE NECK’. Similar to Frank the Tank in Old School, we would discover our son wobbling around the house, making odd sounds and ready to crash in the first place he could land. After a few minor incidents (in case any of you readers happen to work for the Department of Social Services), we got into a rhythm and made certain when the big boy was ready to crash he was at least out of harm’s way; on a couch, love seat or heavily pillowed bathroom floor. Today, at nearly age 9, the little guy still gets the very same medication and it still works pretty well. When his hyperactivity kicks into over-drive you can frequently hear the phrase, ‘Get the Dart!’ bellowing through our home. We are proud to report he has yet to fall into a pool, or any other major body of water, to date. Suck it Parents Magazine

Guilty Pleasures: Romantic Comedies

What do Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock, Drew Barrymore, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Aniston, Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson and John Cusack all have in common? Yes, they are all celebrities, but that is not the correct answer. The correct answer, Alex, is 9 people whose movies I cannot shut off; no matter what. Why? Because I am a romantic comedy sucker. I love them. Add it to the ‘Guilty Pleasure Hall of Shame’.

Like all guilty pleasures, I suppose, we have no idea what draws us in, but we cannot fight the urge to indulge ourselves. I am really not sure when this little dysfunctional habit began but I am certain it is a problem. I would compare the experience to witnessing a car accident; you really don’t want to look, but you have to. When a fight broke out in the high school cafeteria, you likely did not want to see anyone hurt, but you did want a ring side seat to the action. While I do not know when the first incident happened, I do know the most recent occurrence; 2:34AM last night. I awoke from a dead sleep and found I was a restless. Decided to go downstairs and get a drink. Took a sip of water and realized I am wide awake, so what do I do but turn on the T.V. Start flipping through the channels that are basically consumed by rebroadcasts of the late news and info-mercials until, wait one second….that’s Drew Barrymore! What do we have here? Going the Distance? As a matter fact, I will. Sign. Me. Up. My intention was to catch a few minutes and then get my sad sack arse back to bed before my crazy children start waking up. Oh no. Watched the whole thing. I even found myself laughing – out loud – during several scenes. Really? Do I really find the sappy banter and completely predictable story line that entertaining? Yes. Yes, I do. The problem is ALL of these movies are EXACTLY the same. Identical. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl like each other. Boy and girl have a falling out but, in the end, love conquers all. All along the way we get to experience the funny quips, silly side characters and all of the other sappily-ever-after crap. End of story. Am I wrong? So, if that is truly the case then why do I continue to watch these foolish films? The greater issue is not that I watch these films…but that I watch them again and again and again. How many times can I catch John Cusack catch that stupid black glove in Serendipity? Apparently, infinity. Why do I continually tune in to that scamp Jennifer Aniston make out with EVERYONE in her romantic comedy path of destruction? (Adam Sandler, Vince Vaughn, Gerard Butler, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, Ben Stiller and even that old pervert, Kevin Costner, just to name a few!) Answer: I am sick. When am I going to realize that Julia Roberts is not going to steal away Dermot Mulrooney from Cameron Diaz in My Best Friend’s Wedding? When, damnit, when? Never. 9 Months, Notting Hill, He’s Just Not That In to You, Just Go With It, The Bounty Hunter, The Break Up, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Forces of Nature, While You Were Sleeping, Sleepless in Seattle, Along Came Polly, Failure to Launch, Rumor Has It, Fever Pitch, Never Been Kissed, 27 Dresses, Two Weeks Notice, America’s Sweethearts, and The Ugly Truth. Tip of the iceberg. Seen ‘em all before. Will watch ‘em all again. No question. The real ugly truth is that I am sharing this with anyone. I need a shower. P.S. I Love You (no, not you…I forgot to mention this movie)

Flavor Flav & Jack Lambert

Is there a dentist in the house? If so, I have some cosmetic work that could greatly use your attention. My two daughters are going through some difficult teeth time in their young lives.

The 7 year old has more teeth falling out of her head than an Ultimate Fighter.

The 5 year old, with the diet of Buddy the Elf, collects cavities like they were gold; literally (but we’ll get to that).

Naturally, I understand that these dental dilemmas are a part of growing up and their mouths will soon fill up with new adult teeth, but it is like a being surrounded by the Tooth Fairy’s personal highlight reel.

Let’s start with the 5 year old, or as we are now affectionately calling her these days, Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav, for you non-reality TV loving, 1990s hip-hop music listening people, is a rapper and television personality who rose to prominence as a member of the group Public Enemy. More notable than his obnoxious rabble and moronic television series is his gaudy grill of gold teeth. A couple months ago, during a routine visit to the dentist, my youngest received news of her own Public Enemy #1; tooth decay. After her exam the dentist informed us that she could no longer Fight The Power and had two cavities. One was simply fix, but the other cavity was so large he would need to insert a (decorative GOLD) cap over the tooth. Amazingly, a steady intake of Smarties and Starburst will do that to your teeth. Soon thereafter, our own Flavor of Love was born. YEAH BOY!

After a painful procedure (for both her and Mom), Little Flavor was rocking a gold cap that could be easily seen with a small grin. Our daughter’s clearly evil and sadistic parents quickly dubbed her Flavor Flav and made many under-our-breath jokes for the first few weeks. Unfortunately, this 5 year old is not nearly as dumb as we thought. She quickly picked up on her new moniker and while not understanding it’s meaning, found it rather funny.

Time went by and we got used to her mouth of metal. Truthfully, we forgot about it…until. One night, at teeth brushing time, Flavor made a profound statement, “Mom, I need to brush my Flavor Flav tooth extra hard since I just ate a cookie.” Yes, we are bad people that have emotionally scarred a little girl.

And now onto the 7 year old, ‘Gummy McToothlessson’. Miss Middle Child is right in the middle of losing her teeth at a frantic pace. Until a few days ago, it was simply ‘cute’. She lost a couple of bottom teeth, a molar out back, but nothing incredibly noticeable to the naked eye. Then it happened. The front top tooth finally gave way leaving a gap that a dump truck could drive through. And then the SECOND middle tooth fell out, leaving her looking like 1970s Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker/vampire, Jack Lambert. Within a few seconds she went from a sweet adorable 1st grader to a lisping, trailer-park-bred, Dracula child!

AH!!!!

All that flashed in front of my eyes was that episode of the Brady Bunch when Cindy lost a tooth and developed a lisp. And all I could say for thirty minutes was ‘She sells sea shells by the sea shore’. Suddenly I was the father of Sylvester the Cat. Sufferin’ succotash!

Unlike the 5 year old, this child has very delicate sensibili-THIES (sorry, that’s awful) so we did not have the heart to outright make fun of her new dialect…to her face.

Hopefully, you parents are all laughing and not cursing my wife and me for our comical take on the Flavor and Mr. Lambert. We love them and the little circus freak shows going on inside of their mouths.

I know for certain who is laughing as s/he reads this; the orthodontist that is already clearing their schedule for these two.