The Unemployment Chronicles: Don't You Kids Get Sick of Me?

Well, 2011 is here.  Frankly (no pun intended), I am excited to see 2010 go....time for some changes.  Changes across the board.  I have gained "some" employment, but nothing I can sink my teeth into just yet.  Anyway...thought I would add another chapter to the Chronicles.

Today's subject: my kids. 

I have shared some weird experiences I have undergone since being unemployed, but today I am just going to give you some straight talk.  Don't judge me...just listen.

My kids are driving me insane. 

Let me give you the gratuitous, "I love them more than words, they are the best thing that ever happened to me, don't know what I would do without them," crap out of the way.  Of course all of that is true, but I need to convey to some realities.

Being home with kids all day is shear horror. 

Until this past week, I had been dealing with them while they were is 'school mode'.  Meaning, for some portion of the day, they were occupied by their education which provided me the wonderful opportunity to be alone; albeit I was doing laundry, dishes, and praying for death. 

However, vacation week presented a new stay-at-home-Dad phenomenon; these children are here ALL day.  They are not going anywhere; unless I take them.  The woman of the house is, once again, out earning for the family, so I can not justifiably complain.  That said, I have wanted to run into the woods and hide...under a POLAR BEAR.

Why aren't you kids sick of me?  I know I am sick of you .  Honestly, all day, every day, we hang out.  We eat together, play together, watch TV together.  Christ, don't you kids need any space???

Today, for example, let me give you the abbreviated run down.

6:38AM - Girls wake and, inside of 8 minutes, are fighting and crying over God knows what?  Had not even open the eye lids and they were jumping on top of me, screaming and battling.  Take it outside!

6:49AM - Here comes the big boy (my oldest).  Hungry, energetic...just too much coming at me before I have sipped my first cup of coffee.  Too much.

I quickly get my bearings and throw some food at them before they decide to eat me or burn the house down in protest. 

Phew...ok, what time we looking at now? 

7:37AM!!?!?! 

Sweet mother of...!!

8:42AM - I decide to take a short time out (and by that, I mean I am hiding in the bathroom, sobbing and hoping they have gotten into some Nyquil). 

No such luck. 

In walks the 4 year old to the bathroom, asking for more pancakes. 

Can I just have 3 minutes?  Just 3 minutes!  No?  Really?

The next 4-5 hours were quickly filled with wardrobe changes, a bath for the girls, excessive amounts of suger-filled snacks and cartoons that surely my wife would not approve of.

So, let's look at the clock, must be time for bed...what...dear Lord, it is 2:05PM!

Don't these kids have anything better to do? 
Don't they have any friends to visit? 
Calls to make? 
Bills to pay? 
Do they really like hanging out with me this much?

Anyway, I'll fast forward for you. 

Come 5:00PM I made them put on their pajamas and painted all of the windows black to make them think it was night time.

Didn't work.

So - before Amy gets home - can someone tell me what takes off black paint off glass..and the best place to hide an empty Nyquil bottle?

New Year's Grieve: Top 10 List

Let me get straight to the point; I HATE NEW YEAR's EVE. 

I do. 

Not to be a Donny Downer, but this is the most over-hyped, over-rated, over-inflated and over-sold holiday of the year.  Basically, you are forced to go out and celebrate. 

Celebrate what? 

The passing of time?  Great.  So now I am 'officially' one year older, one step closer to death and one step farther from my youth?  Awesome.  Where do I sign up for this party? (Have I cheered you up, yet?)

With that said, I have done my very best to enjoy this holiday over the years.   I have tried everything to make the most of it.  Expensive night out in the city, the getaway to the ski resort, the stay-at-home-with-your-loved-one-and-watch-the-ball-drop-snuggle-fest...and everything in between. 

All have proven to be a let down.


So, before I put all of you on suicide watch with my depressing outlook, here is my Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate New Year's Eve....

10.       Forced Excitement
If you choose to head out with friends, you are required to be in party all night long, rock star mode to fit in.  Simply sipping a festive drink or just taking a back seat to the so-called excitement is not accepted.  Drink up, throw up and dance...damnit!

9.        Dress Code
Yes, for some unknown reason, the ritual of getting dressed up seems to always apply to New Year's Eve parties.  Sounds really good, right?  Slap on a coat and tie AT NIGHT and try to look slick until the clock strikes midnight.  We all know you for a certainty that you are losing, spilling on, or, my personal favorite,  tying that neck tie around your head at some point of the evening.  No good things come of formal wear on December 31.

8.      SO Late!
Again, don't want to sound like I am ready for the nursing home, but New Year's Eve, for certain, requires you to stay out VERY late.  Midnight is a minimum, right?  But we all know by the time all of the pomp and circumstance ends you are looking at hitting the pillow no earlier than 2AM.  All set.  Night night.

7.     Cost
Everything on New Year's is jacked up.  All of the bars, restaurants, hotels, etc. decide to make us pay a premium because it is the all powerful New Year's Eve.  For example, "$100/person gets you an all night party, open bar (3 drink maximum), and a complimentary glass of champagne at midnight".  Are you freaking kidding me?  No, they are not kidding...and I have fallen for this "deal"....more than once.

6.    Transportation
Outside of possibly St. Patrick's Day, New Year's Eve is a rookie cop's dream.  The ultimate night of tracking down possible drunk drivers.  So, if you get stuck with the role of  'D.D.' then you really are in for a night of no laughs.  What are the other options?  Cabs?  Trains?  All modes of transportation are really too hard to find or extremely inconvenient.  Oh, and if you happen to be from New England, as I am....chances are...it will be REALLY DAMN COLD at 1AM!

5.    Annoying Drunks
Unless you are one...it stinks.  Every time.  Enough said.

4.  Silly Hats, Streamers, and Horns
Please, just please...leave it down.

3.    The Next Day
If you do decide to go full tilt and party like is actually is 1999 (P.S. and by the way...I was there and...such a let down...I didn't get to see, hear or kiss Prince...nor any member of The Revolution for that matter) you are destined for a long next day on the couch watching the Rose Bowl Parade, eating saltine crackers and drinking flat ginger ale.  Fact.

2.  Uncomfortable Intimacy
Listen, I like a good smooch as much as the next guy (hell, maybe more) but I have no interest in planting one on every looped and lonely 'Lisa Lack of Self Esteem' in the room just because the calendar moved.  Hey, don't get me wrong, from the ages of 17-22, New Year's Eve was Gangsta's Paradise.  You had the built in excuse to lay one on Phylis from Physics with no repercussions. But, beyond those wonder years...no thanks.

1.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!
OH MY GOD!!!  HAPPY NEW YEAR! (KISS, KISS, HUG HUG).  HIGH FIVE!  LOW FIVE!  POUND!  CHEST BUMP!  ASS BUMP!  WOO HOO!!!! 

WHAT TIME IS IT ANYWAY????

12:03AM.

Oh. 

Goodnight.  See you next year.

The Unemployment Chronicles: Death of a Mustache

For the first time in my adult life I am without a full time occupation.  A number of factors lead me to make a change I am now in the process of finding that next great challenge in my professional life.  It has been roughly 6 weeks since I have been "required" to head off to work every morning as I have for the last 14 years.  I have to tell you - it is a strange feeling.  With 3 young children and a wife who has ramped up her hours as a nurse, I am hardly bored, but I am also finding I am doing some strange things given this new "free time".  Enjoy the first installment of 'The Unemployment Chronicles".

Death of a Mustache
In my career, I have always been required to maintain a neat and polished look for all of the jobs I have held.  Clean shaven, groomed haircut..I actually showered EVERY DAY!  When I realized that I no longer had to do that - at least for a little while - the 'playoff beard' was born! 

After a few days, it looked rugged, dare I say Brett Favre-ish!?!  After a week, I looked like a hobo.  After two weeks, I was scratching like a mangy dog with fleas and I knew it had to go. 

Or did it? 

So, I compromised and shaved that scruff into...wait for it...yes, a magnificent mustache! 

Not sure where you all stand on mustaches, but I (and many of my friends) find them to be one of the most unintentionally funny sights in the world.  I am not even sure why, but they make me laugh. 

With that said, this was going to be my new look and I am going to rock it!

I remember it was a Sunday as I walked outside to share this bad boy with the world!  The first person I encountered was my next door neighbor - who HAS a mustache, full time.  I got the most perplexed look from him.  Did he think I was mocking his beloved "Buffalo cheese"?  Did he think I had lost my mind?  I found myself covering my face with my hand as I quickly tried to get away from him. 

Well, that was awkward, but I am running with this thing and I don't care what others think!

Or do I?

Next, I made a visit to a friend's house.  Upon viewing the new "addition" he burst into outrageous laughter and could not break out the cell phone camera quick enough.  Yes, this picture!

OK, he got a laugh, that's what I expected.  BUT, it will not shake my confidence.  This is the new, retro-cool-unemployed-I -don't-care-what-society-has-to-say Frank.  I will not flinch because of a few snickers.

Or will I?

Next, I was moving onto my favorite aunt's house for a little Sunday afternoon football get together.  I knew I would see several members of the family who would surely embrace this new look I was donning, right?  Um, no.  Questions, laughter and outright concern for my mental welfare was all I got from these so-called-relatives.  Why don't they appreciate the fact that I am making some changes in my life and this mustache is more than just facial hair; it is now part of my moral fiber!  My uncle, who I consider one of the most intelligent men in the world, simply looked at me and calmly stated, "That is the worst mustache in the history of the world,". 

OK, starting to feel a little defeated here. 

Would this mustache live to fight another day? 

Time for the ultimate taste test - the wife.

She had worked that day and had not see me and my new "experiment".  This is my last hope.  If my wife of nearly 10 years could not appreciate the greatness of a fresh mustache on her husband, then no one could.

I walked into the house, up the stairs and unveiled this facial masterpiece.

After a very brief and unenthusiastic chuckle she uttered the final words that mustache would ever hear...

"Shave that stupid thing off right now."

Yes, dear.

Time of death, 6:38PM.  We hardly knew you, buddy...Rest in Peace


Next from The Unemployment Chronicles....'Bloody Mary's and Bubble Baths'

Stay tuned...

Working Class Hero

Micky Ward is about to make us all proud.  By "us", I mean the good people of Lowell, MA and across the region.  If you literally 'live under a rock' then let me quickly explain.  "Irish" Micky Ward is a former world champion boxer.  He is most famous for his 3 epic bouts with Arturo Gatti.  These were fights for the ages and sporting events that spectators will talk about for many, many years.

Micky's story about his tough upbringing and his rise to champion is about to be told in the highly anticipated blockbuster movie titled, The Fighter (which ironically does even include his fights with Gatti).  Mark Wahlberg plays Micky while fellow Hollywood heavyweights Christian Bale and Amy Adams co-star in the film. Word on the street is that "Oscar" is already spying on this one.  Regardless of what the movie ultimately amounts to, this is a tale worth telling and we should all be excited and proud that we are connected to Micky' story first hand.

Which brings me to my point.  I am not a close personal friend to Micky.  I have had the pleasure to hang out with him during a few charitable functions and that is basically the extent of our relationship.  However, I have spent enough time around him to understand what this man is all about.  Despite the overwhelming attention he has received, Micky Ward is a humble, thankful, respectful (oh, and REALLY TOUGH) human being.  He has no ego about him.  No air of arrogance.  Most of all, he has no desire to be famous nor worshipped.  Micky has spent a lifetime just being a hard working 'man of the people'.  It just so happens that he is one of the greatest athletes that ever claimed Lowell as their birthplace and hometown.

Ward is a rare sensation in a time of prima donnas.  With that said, he is about to be launched into the stratosphere of stardom.  With the likes of Mark Wahlberg and others at his side, Micky Ward could become an international superstar.  He could easily find himself in the electric Hollywood scene of the rich and famous and not look back - at least for a while.  However, I am fairly confident he will be far more comfortable in the setting he has always returned to...a gym full of young aspiring boxers or the local pub with old friends.

Just a hunch.

In any case, if you are a from Lowell, soak in the excitement that will surely surround our city in the coming weeks.

Enjoy the office banter when the movie finally comes out next month.

Brag (as needed) about this story because it is a great one.

Oh, and if you ever have the opportunity to meet  Micky in person; shake his hand, congratulate him, and buy him a beer.

He's earned it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Sorry, Was I snoring?: Sleeping at the hospital

Time for some therapeutic writing folks...it has been a s#!^^% week!

This past week my son needed to be hospitalized due to some complications from an endoscopy.  Long story short, he got very ill after the procedure and our doctor instructed us to take him to Mass General.  After several long hours in the leper colony they call the emergency room we learned he had pancreatitus and a few other gastrointestinal complications.  Bottom line, this is a very painful problem and slow process to heal and he needed to be admitted for a about week (yes, I am writing this during my "down time" before I return).


My wife and I have alternated nights staying with him and it got me thinking just how uncomfortable and awkward it is to sleep at a hospital when you are not the patient.


Allow me to relay my take on the non-patient sleepover experience...


First of all...when is "bedtime"?  Most nights I am an early-to-bed-type guy.  9:00-9:30PM, I am usually in bed watching Dancing with the St....er....I mean...the Celtics Game and drift off fast asleep soon thereafter.  But in the hospital, I feel like I need to be some type of hero to impress upon the nurses and staff that I am on top of things.  Even watching TV seems weird.  I admit that I have been caught several times with my feet on the bed watching reruns of Family Guy and Everybody Loves Raymond...and, guess what, I felt stupid. For some reason it seems like the appropriate activity should be reading the History of Medicine by candlelight.  Why?  I don't need to impress these people.  They are being paid to take care of my child and I am simply the tour guide to make sure he doesn't choke on his I.V. chord (which, by the way, can happen a lot easier than one would think...thanks for distracting me Peter Griffin!) while they are out of the room.


Second, what is the dress code?  I am usually a t-shirt and boxers guy (calm down ladies...take a deep breath and remember I am a married man before you start the sexual imagery) but you can't pull that off in the hospital.  Again, I feel like I should be in flannel pajamas, a robe and night cap like Benjamin Freakin Franklin probably wore to bed!  Why?


Third, why is sleeping a bad thing?  I am a very sound sleeper and, admittedly, have had little issue zonking out in the rickety, lumpy pull-out bed.  Nonetheless, I find that I am frequently jumping up throughout the night like I am some wine-o passed out in an ally that needs to get his bearings  before someone finds me.  Sure, the nurses tell you to "get some rest" but they don't mean it.  They want you to stand a post like you are a marine at Guantanamo Bay (Happy 235th Birthday Marine Corp).


Maybe I am paranoid?  Maybe my senses are just dulled after a long week?  Anyway, I gotta get back to fake reading and unwrap this chord from Frankie's neck....


Have a good day, all!

What a game! Was I there?

Ah, what is more fulfilling in a man’s (and some women – don’t want to start this blog off sounding like a sexist jerk!) life than getting to go to ‘the game’?  No matter the sport, experiencing a game first hand is truly one of life’s great joys.  From the time your Dad takes you to your first sporting event to when you get to bring your own son to the ballpark; there is nothing like it.  However, it recently dawned on me that outside of those special Norman Rockwellian-type occasions there is a common theme to the experience of attending a sporting event as an adult – I don’t remember what the hell happened after I attended!?!?

How can this be possible?  I was sitting near the dugout/behind the bench/ringside/courtside/etc.?  Surely the mere fact of being just steps from the game would result in a deep and clear memory of all that has taken place, right?  Nope. Nothing.  Is it just me?

Conversely, when I am sitting on the couch at home I can recall, with great detail, all that I have witnessed during those two or three hours glued to my T.V. 

Well, after giving it some thought I realize there are a few common themes to why I continually experience these short term memory lapses when I have the joy of being there….

1. Excitement!

Let’s face it, the thrill of getting a ticket to the game, especially if it a last minute thing, is the best.  Phone rings…it’s your best buddy…”Dude, I just scored an extra ticket to the Sox-Yanks tonight.  You in???!!!”

“DAMN STRAIGHT I AM IN!” 

Without giving a thought to work obligations, family commitments or any other previously scheduled engagements, the inherent nature of any self-proclaimed real man is to say ‘YES’ when asked to go to a game (multiply that by a factor of 10 if it involves playoffs or championships).

Your brain immediately goes into a frenzied state and I believe this is the precursor to the contraction of SEAS Disorder: Sports Event Amnesia Syndrome

{Go ahead and look it up Dr. I.M. Smartassenthal, it’s a real disease!}

2. Pre-Game

I will admit it - my exuberance before a game can sometimes (and by “sometimes” I mean “every time”) shift into overdrive.  Be it one of the quiet watering holes near the ball park or a full blown tailgate outside the stadium…it is going to get the best of me.  For whatever reason, I believe I am somehow transformed into Superman (or a 19 year old college sophomore again…God those were good days…I was 20 pounds lighter…could drink all day and never get a hangov….wait, sorry) in terms of consumption.  Consumption in all forms.  Instead of sipping a beer, I am shot-gunning a 6-pack.  Rather than enjoy a nice hotdog, I am inhaling 2 loaded sausages and one of those giant pretzels.  Oh, and how a bout a nice 3-foot-long-neck-breaking Cuban cigar!  Why not, it is Tuesday night after all!

Too much bad stuff coming into this 36 year old excuse for a body way too fast – it is going to beat me.

3. Just Shutup!

OK, so in addition to drinking, eating, and smoking far more than I do on most Tuesday nights, I also find I can not shut my damn mouth.  Suddenly, I think I am freaking Chris Berman.  Spewing my off-color, inaccurate, home-town-biased analysis of the pending game to anyone who will listen (of course that is between the taunting of opposing fans and funneling that Busch Light that somehow found it’s way into the cooler).  This verbal diarrhea begins sometime around the phone call invite from my buddy and ends approximately 1 second after my team starts to lose.  No siree, my idle banter can not be contained and I realize instead of rooting for my team I  find myself intertwined in a heated debate about batting averages with some drunk soccer mom sitting behind me.  Or maybe I am the drunk one?  Hmm?  Here nor there!

Why?  I don’t know…but I wish I could stop.

4. LOOK!

The last, but perhaps the most clear and obvious, reason why I can never seem to recall what I witness at the game is distractions.  Think about it.  You are surrounded by insane fans, loud music, beautiful she-fans in creative team dress, fat drunk guys, skinny drunk guys, food vendors, hat vendors and sometimes fat, drunk, hat-wearing food vendors.  It is all right there in front of me in hi-definition and, frankly, it’s a little too much for this guy’s small brain to process!

So, in closing, when you take a close look at it, my continuous battle with S.E.A.S. makes a world of sense.  I morph into an over-eating, Leaving-Las-Vegas-drinking, village-idiot-screaming super-fan that has no recollection of who scored, who won and, on special occasions, WHO PLAYED….but man, did I have fun being there!

Thanks again for the ticket, bro!

Trade Slows: Are Trade Shows A Things of the Past?

(Apologies for the quietness on the blogging - a little post-Labor Day writer's block!  Hold onto your hats, I actually produce statistics in this one!)

Trade Shows - a long time sales and marketing tool used in every industry from plumbing to pornography.  If you have not had the (insert chuckle) pleasure of attending a trade show, allow me to relay the experience.  Basically, industry professionals cluster into a large exhibit hall or conference center to display their products and services – typically occupying 10 ‘x 10’ spaces all in a row.  Picture endless aisles of booths and banners filled with overzealous sales people just dying to spray their victims with verbal garbage about whatever it is they are selling.

Years ago, trade shows made a lot of sense for business development.  These events provided a venue where buyers could seek out a variety of products and services in one spot versus hours of research and endless sales people at their doors.  For sellers, trade shows provided an audience of buyers in one location and the opportunity for lead generation far exceeding any week (if not month) of sales calls.  It made sense and has been a part of nearly all businesses for a very long time.

OK, here is the bad news, and a reality - trade shows are reaching extinction.  Like dinosaurs and quality sitcoms – they are quickly becoming a thing of the past.  Like the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Seinfeld before them, trade shows are swiftly vanishing from existence.  Sure, trade shows still take place every day in every city in every industry…but I would argue they have become a useless and unnecessary business tool. 

In today’s world, why do we need to spend money and time to travel to some random city to find a product or service we are in need of?  You have heard of Google, right?  In less than 5 seconds I can find 700 places to purchase second hand lawn mower wheels…why in the world would I need to travel to East Bumblecrack, Kansas to attend the International Association of Pre-Owned Lawn Mower Parts Distributors (IAPOMPD for you acronym freaks!) Annual Conference?

B to B (‘Business to Business’) Magazine reports budgets for trade show exhibiting are expected to decline 17% this year, while the number of trade shows that exhibitors are planning to participate in should drop by about the same amount, according to the Trade Show Exhibitors Association (TSEA).

According to TSEA’s newly released “2009 Exhibit Marketing Survey,” budgets for exhibiting will decrease to an average of $381,000 per company this year, down from last year’s $459,100. In addition, the average number of trade shows that companies expect to exhibit at this year is 25, down from 30 last year.

Those facts aside, let me make a confession – I have exhibited at many trade shows.  I have been that pathetic soul trying to get your attention.  If you have not lived a day in the life of a trade show exhibitor, it’s easy to explain.  It feels like the you are the third string trombone player in the high school band,  its 2 weeks before prom and you don’t have a date yet – your prospects are VERY limited and you will solicit anyone who will listen to you…even if it means begging or bribery. 

And that’s why trade shows are a thing of the past – no one needs to be harassed to find something they need.  Besides being a great excuse to get out of the office for a day or 2, they are no longer a viable tool. 

Take the time to review your annual marketing budget and determine if your usual trade show schedule really makes sense?  Look at the return on investment from the past 3 years’ trade shows?  How many leads converted to actual business?

Look into more current lead generation tools such as search engine optimization – it may be time to make a change?

Of course, I have never attended the Porn Convention…maybe I am wrong?

Drinking with Clients: The Ozzy Experiment

(The following story is based in actual events but I have used aliases to protect the names of the innocent.)

Relationships with clients can be tough - especially new clients. You spend your days trying to impress, service and up sell them at any opportunity available. Their job is to ensure their boss that they have chosen the best vendor, for the best product/service/, for the best price. If that means they need to be difficult, or even flat out unreasonable, so be it. They are not in business to be your friend.

With that stated, the best customer relationships develop when you break down the office walls and actually make a personal connection with one another. Individuals you regard and trust as friends - whether they are the landscaper or the Fortune 500 - result in your top customers.

To that end, the way to expedite those bonds is taking things out of the office. Chances are you have spent numerous hours (maybe days?) with this person you are selling your products and services. Time to ‘peel the onion’ and discover what lies beneath this person; besides spreadsheets and schematics. Whether you have finally consummated a deal or simply agree to take business away from the board room for a change, you decide it is time to loosen things up.

Hold on to our hats.

The first time you dip into social waters with a client (or prospect); you are willingly entering a new stratosphere. As they say, 'Buyer beware'.

Whether the plans involve dinner, a ball game or a Mexican cock fight - prepare yourself to see a different side of Sears.

The person you may perceive as Ozzie Nelson (1950s sitcom reference, kids, about a conservative American family) may actually turn out to be more of an Ozzy Osborne (no explanation required here)!

Which Ozzy will you be entertaining?

Ozzie Nelson

Scenario #1 - The Ozzie Nelson

You make plans to meet “Ozzie” at an agreed upon restaurant. Odds are that you have chosen an upscale, yet comfortable, spot to have a few cocktails and an agreeable meal. Upon arrival, you and Ozzie exchange your typical hellos. You both order an alcoholic beverage - but a conservative one. Ozzie has a glass of Merlot and you an Amstel Light. You exchange some pleasantries but in all likelihood you are just talking business in a different environment. The night progresses and things loosen up. The two of you enjoy a nice dinner and conversation. By the end of the evening you learn that each of you has a daughter that takes ballet and your wives both went to the University of Who Gives A Crap. Nonetheless, you have made a connection. You finish the evening, shake hands and part company. Before you walk away, Ozzie casually informs you that your company will be receiving a pending deal very soon.

Sweet – mission accomplished!

Good night, Mr. Nelson - say hello to Harriet and boys!

Ozzy Osbourne

Scenario #2 - The Ozzy Osbourne

You stand at the bar sipping a beer. You are intentionally early to ensure you have the restaurant scoped out. Bartender has your corporate credit card in hand, your table is standing ready. Enter your soon to be new best friend; "Ozzy 'Bark at the Moon' Osbourne". Slightly hesitant, but with a cool confidence, Ozzy quickly says hello to you and proceeds to order a double Jack & Gasoline on the rocks. Immediately taken back, you decide to follow suit and order your own Man Juice to let Ozzy that you are a serious business man but can let your proverbial hair down too. Three stiff drinks later you suggest you sit for dinner (truthfully, you need some bread before you yak in the coat room). Almost instantly, Ozzy is like your long lost brother. Sharing inappropriate details about his life, his marriage, his time in juvenile prison. Wisely, you smile and continue to drink at the pace of Wyatt Earp before the standoff at the OK Corral.

Before you know it you are getting the "I love you, mans" from the former Black Sabbath front man. While you are flattered, things are starting to border on surreal and uncomfortable. As dinner concludes you think you see daylight and prepare yourself for the dangerous fantastic voyage that is your commute home. Pump the brakes, my friend, we are just getting started.
As you hit the sidewalk and inhale the fresh night air, you quickly realize that your hopes of simply saying goodnight and getting the hell out of dodge are vanishing. Ozzy suggests another "stop". You guessed it - primitive male heaven - The Gentlemen's Club.  Tired, a little tipsy and somewhat weirded out- you quickly respond, "Hell yeah, let's go"!  American Express in hand you are already playing out the conversation in your head you are sure to be having to your company controller after he notices a $787.00 expense from the "Pink Pony Club". Regardless, this is all in the name of business - we march on.

Upon arrival at Chateau de Tramp, you quickly peel off $50 for the cover charge. Before you can recover from that, you have already ordered a couple $25 Vodka/Redbulls. Perfect. Prior to your first sip, Ozzy has already vanished into the Champagne Room with Marilyn Mon-Ho and charged it to your tab. Aces. You try to blend in. Sit through a few stage dances. Look at your watch. Nurse another drink in hopes that 'The Prince of Darkness' will be back soon and you can end this mid-life crises bachelor party. An hour later, the man you pray will be your next great white whale of client now returns to the table smelling of cheap rum and even cheaper perfume. You act cool. "What’s up, brother? Good time," you inquire? Suddenly you realize that Ozzy has taken a turn for the worst. Barely coherent and the expression of an alleged serial rapist on his face it dawns on you that you now have the burden of getting this maniac home.

By now it is 1:30AM on a Wednesday and you are 30 miles from home. Ozzy is a cool 50 miles away from his den of iniquity. In the interest of speed, you load him in a taxi and hand the cabbie $4000. "Please, take this guy to 125 Lonely Heart Lane in What-the-Hell-Just-Happened, Mass. Thanks, pal,".
And off he goes.

You jump in your car and take the One-Eye Expressway home and pray for a new tomorrow.
Arrive in your office the next morning after a night aboard the Crazy Train and the phone rings.

"Oh, hey Ozzy!?!"

"Great time last night, man", proclaims the Blizzard of Ozz.

"Yeah...it sure was," you gingerly respond.

"I'll be sending over that purchase order later today. Thanks again for a great time," proclaims an apparent clear minded Ozzy.

Touchdown.

"When we are we doing that again, Ozz-Man, ol buddy, ol pal," you shout.

While both evenings proved successful from a business standpoint, the question remains….which Ozzy would you like to entertain?  Dare I ask?

BUZZ-ness Etiquette

I admit it – I don’t care for business meetings. True, they are an important part of any successful organization - they allow for better communication, clarify company as well as individual goals and expectations, and offer the opportunity to share ideas face-to-face. I get it. I partake in these types of meetings everyday – vendor meetings, client meetings, company meetings, networking meetings…and so on.

Meetings, in principle, are fine by me but something has changed and it has caused some frustration. Specifically, when did so many “buzz” words and phrases enter into our business vocabulary? The list seems endless and all of them annoy me equally. The following are some of my un-favorites but there are many more that I am sure you have heard if you have been in on a conference call, in a board room or at a networking function in the last 5 years or so.

Champion: the person(s) responsible for executing on a specific task or project.
“I will champion our efforts to increase brand awareness in the marketplace”.


When did we decide to throw the word ‘champion’ around so loosely? Last time I checked none of the people I work with play for the Celtics, Red Sox, or Patriots. You are not a champion. You are an entry level customer service rep – go back to your desk!


Benchmark: the proverbial measuring stick for success of a given process, procedure or project.
“We need to set a benchmark for how research and development ties to sales revenue.”

What happened to “goal”, “target”, “objective”? Is benchmark even a word? I know it is 2 words stuffed together – but is it a real word? You know what, I don’t care – benchmark that.

Trusted advisor:  a person and/or company that you procure products or services from.
“ACME feels we are a trusted advisor to ABC Co and thank you for your continued business”.

Oh, you mean you are the guy that sells me my post-it notes…now I remember! Guess what, Skippy, I don’t trust you – take that under advisement! Sell me my post-it notes for a fair market price, deliver a quality product in a timely fashion – then we’ll start talking about the ‘Trust Tree’…Nest…whatever. (Old School reference in case you missed it)

Ping : (synonyms include “reach out”, “poke” and “tweet”) – the act of contacting or following up with an associate, typically via email.
“Let me get all the paperwork together and I will ping you later today”.

To me, ‘ping’ may be the grand wizard of annoying biz buzz words. In the not too distant past, if you overheard the phrase ‘I plan to ping you later in the week’ around the office – it usually meant there was a sexual harassment law suit looming!

Listen, we all do our best to sound intelligent in the workplace. We all strive to impress our peers and, more importantly, our customers but can we please drop the self-important jargon? How about we just use the good old fashioned English language – so I can figure out exactly what it is you actually plan to do?

I don’t mean to take a sarcastic, or even disgruntled, tone but I just want to know when Peter the Pushy Pencil Sharpener Sales guy plans to get me my 2009 Pencil Sharpener Proposal? Whew. Why Sally the Sad Sack from Accounting does not have last quarter’s financials ready? Or when that pederast Lumbergh will get me all of the TPS reports I have been waiting for (Office Space reference in case you missed it)?

Until then, I just to need to take one game at a time, play within myself, give a 110% and support my teammates. Wait, wait, wait…that’s annoying pro athlete-buzz…for another time.

Glengarry Glen Ross: Summer Edition

Remember Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross? For those of you that have ever been in sales, chances are someone has directed you to watch this movie. While not the most critically acclaimed picture, there is one of the most famous scenes in history related to salesmanship. In this lackluster story about a New York real estate office, Alec Baldwin delivers a blood pumping motivational speech to his sad sack team of salesmen. In a nutshell, he completely humiliates each one of them for their lack of success and desire. While most of the scene is an expletive-laced tirade by Baldwin, there is one key phrase that came out of it which is still often heard around many a sales seminar – “A.B.C. – Always Be Closing”.

What is really meant by the phrase is to always be selling - selling your products, you services, yourself.

If you have a passion for what you do, whether you are in sales or not, you are probably thinking about work even during your down time. If you do not have a passion for what you do, you can stop here and go back to watching last week’s episode of Entourage from your desk.

For example…
I am involved with a small casual clothing (t-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, etc.) company. We are always exploring new and creative ways to market our apparel as well as find new sales channels. Recently, while spending a weekend on the coast of Maine with my family, I missed an opportunity. One afternoon, we were walking around one of the many quaint towns in this part of the world. We stopped into a clothing store and I noticed they sold t-shirts of a competitor. I did not think much about until later that day on route home – I had missed a perfect opportunity to ‘soft sell’ our company. If I had my ‘A’ game that day, I would have promptly left my business card (or even better, a catalog) behind with the store manager and followed up when I returned to work. But, I didn’t.

This story is just an isolated example of what it means to ‘Always Be Closing’. While you may not be involved in a role that requires you to sell or maybe you can not translate your business into such simple terms as my tale of the retail store, it does not mean this mantra can not work for everyone.
Whether you are on vacation, out to dinner, at a ballgame with friends; you never know who you will meet and how they could influence your career. A few simple ideas to prepare you for that next chance opportunity

1. Always carry business cards. Even a few stuffed in that George Costanza wallet you have been lugging around for the last decade is fine.

2. Have an ‘elevator speech’ prepared. Essentially, be prepared to deliver a 30 second speech about your business and/or yourself. Be concise and to the point but emphasize what is important and compelling to your listener.

3. Be polite – to EVERYONE. The golden rule should always be in effect whether you are in a formal meeting or on the subway. Why? You just never know. The person sitting next to you could be your next big sale or maybe even your next boss!

Don’t get me wrong, your time away from work is precious and you should enjoy every minute of it, but it never hurts to keep your eyes wide open wherever the road takes you. You may discover the next best thing for you or your business is right in front of you.

Not motivated by this blog – see if Alec can do it for you,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-AXTx4PcKI  (for mature audiences!)