I do.
Not to be a Donny Downer, but this is the most over-hyped, over-rated, over-inflated and over-sold holiday of the year. Basically, you are forced to go out and celebrate.
Celebrate what?
The passing of time? Great. So now I am 'officially' one year older, one step closer to death and one step farther from my youth? Awesome. Where do I sign up for this party? (Have I cheered you up, yet?)
All have proven to be a let down.
So, before I put all of you on suicide watch with my depressing outlook, here is my Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate New Year's Eve....
10. Forced Excitement
If you choose to head out with friends, you are required to be in party all night long, rock star mode to fit in. Simply sipping a festive drink or just taking a back seat to the so-called excitement is not accepted. Drink up, throw up and dance...damnit!
9. Dress Code
Yes, for some unknown reason, the ritual of getting dressed up seems to always apply to New Year's Eve parties. Sounds really good, right? Slap on a coat and tie AT NIGHT and try to look slick until the clock strikes midnight. We all know you for a certainty that you are losing, spilling on, or, my personal favorite, tying that neck tie around your head at some point of the evening. No good things come of formal wear on December 31.
8. SO Late!
Again, don't want to sound like I am ready for the nursing home, but New Year's Eve, for certain, requires you to stay out VERY late. Midnight is a minimum, right? But we all know by the time all of the pomp and circumstance ends you are looking at hitting the pillow no earlier than 2AM. All set. Night night.
7. Cost
Everything on New Year's is jacked up. All of the bars, restaurants, hotels, etc. decide to make us pay a premium because it is the all powerful New Year's Eve. For example, "$100/person gets you an all night party, open bar (3 drink maximum), and a complimentary glass of champagne at midnight". Are you freaking kidding me? No, they are not kidding...and I have fallen for this "deal"....more than once.
6. Transportation
Outside of possibly St. Patrick's Day, New Year's Eve is a rookie cop's dream. The ultimate night of tracking down possible drunk drivers. So, if you get stuck with the role of 'D.D.' then you really are in for a night of no laughs. What are the other options? Cabs? Trains? All modes of transportation are really too hard to find or extremely inconvenient. Oh, and if you happen to be from New England, as I am....chances are...it will be REALLY DAMN COLD at 1AM!
5. Annoying Drunks
Unless you are one...it stinks. Every time. Enough said.
4. Silly Hats, Streamers, and Horns
Please, just please...leave it down.
3. The Next Day
If you do decide to go full tilt and party like is actually is 1999 (P.S. and by the way...I was there and...such a let down...I didn't get to see, hear or kiss Prince...nor any member of The Revolution for that matter) you are destined for a long next day on the couch watching the Rose Bowl Parade, eating saltine crackers and drinking flat ginger ale. Fact.
2. Uncomfortable Intimacy
Listen, I like a good smooch as much as the next guy (hell, maybe more) but I have no interest in planting one on every looped and lonely 'Lisa Lack of Self Esteem' in the room just because the calendar moved. Hey, don't get me wrong, from the ages of 17-22, New Year's Eve was Gangsta's Paradise. You had the built in excuse to lay one on Phylis from Physics with no repercussions. But, beyond those wonder years...no thanks.
1. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
OH MY GOD!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR! (KISS, KISS, HUG HUG). HIGH FIVE! LOW FIVE! POUND! CHEST BUMP! ASS BUMP! WOO HOO!!!!
WHAT TIME IS IT ANYWAY????
12:03AM.
Oh.
Goodnight. See you next year.
Love it Frank!! I laughed out loud. I'm going to send these gems to Mike Barnicle. Writing is definately your gift!!Keep them coming. Maybe M.B. needs a right hand man. Ya never know???
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