The Unemployment Chronicles: Death of a Mustache

For the first time in my adult life I am without a full time occupation.  A number of factors lead me to make a change I am now in the process of finding that next great challenge in my professional life.  It has been roughly 6 weeks since I have been "required" to head off to work every morning as I have for the last 14 years.  I have to tell you - it is a strange feeling.  With 3 young children and a wife who has ramped up her hours as a nurse, I am hardly bored, but I am also finding I am doing some strange things given this new "free time".  Enjoy the first installment of 'The Unemployment Chronicles".

Death of a Mustache
In my career, I have always been required to maintain a neat and polished look for all of the jobs I have held.  Clean shaven, groomed haircut..I actually showered EVERY DAY!  When I realized that I no longer had to do that - at least for a little while - the 'playoff beard' was born! 

After a few days, it looked rugged, dare I say Brett Favre-ish!?!  After a week, I looked like a hobo.  After two weeks, I was scratching like a mangy dog with fleas and I knew it had to go. 

Or did it? 

So, I compromised and shaved that scruff into...wait for it...yes, a magnificent mustache! 

Not sure where you all stand on mustaches, but I (and many of my friends) find them to be one of the most unintentionally funny sights in the world.  I am not even sure why, but they make me laugh. 

With that said, this was going to be my new look and I am going to rock it!

I remember it was a Sunday as I walked outside to share this bad boy with the world!  The first person I encountered was my next door neighbor - who HAS a mustache, full time.  I got the most perplexed look from him.  Did he think I was mocking his beloved "Buffalo cheese"?  Did he think I had lost my mind?  I found myself covering my face with my hand as I quickly tried to get away from him. 

Well, that was awkward, but I am running with this thing and I don't care what others think!

Or do I?

Next, I made a visit to a friend's house.  Upon viewing the new "addition" he burst into outrageous laughter and could not break out the cell phone camera quick enough.  Yes, this picture!

OK, he got a laugh, that's what I expected.  BUT, it will not shake my confidence.  This is the new, retro-cool-unemployed-I -don't-care-what-society-has-to-say Frank.  I will not flinch because of a few snickers.

Or will I?

Next, I was moving onto my favorite aunt's house for a little Sunday afternoon football get together.  I knew I would see several members of the family who would surely embrace this new look I was donning, right?  Um, no.  Questions, laughter and outright concern for my mental welfare was all I got from these so-called-relatives.  Why don't they appreciate the fact that I am making some changes in my life and this mustache is more than just facial hair; it is now part of my moral fiber!  My uncle, who I consider one of the most intelligent men in the world, simply looked at me and calmly stated, "That is the worst mustache in the history of the world,". 

OK, starting to feel a little defeated here. 

Would this mustache live to fight another day? 

Time for the ultimate taste test - the wife.

She had worked that day and had not see me and my new "experiment".  This is my last hope.  If my wife of nearly 10 years could not appreciate the greatness of a fresh mustache on her husband, then no one could.

I walked into the house, up the stairs and unveiled this facial masterpiece.

After a very brief and unenthusiastic chuckle she uttered the final words that mustache would ever hear...

"Shave that stupid thing off right now."

Yes, dear.

Time of death, 6:38PM.  We hardly knew you, buddy...Rest in Peace


Next from The Unemployment Chronicles....'Bloody Mary's and Bubble Baths'

Stay tuned...