Drinking with Clients: The Ozzy Experiment

(The following story is based in actual events but I have used aliases to protect the names of the innocent.)

Relationships with clients can be tough - especially new clients. You spend your days trying to impress, service and up sell them at any opportunity available. Their job is to ensure their boss that they have chosen the best vendor, for the best product/service/, for the best price. If that means they need to be difficult, or even flat out unreasonable, so be it. They are not in business to be your friend.

With that stated, the best customer relationships develop when you break down the office walls and actually make a personal connection with one another. Individuals you regard and trust as friends - whether they are the landscaper or the Fortune 500 - result in your top customers.

To that end, the way to expedite those bonds is taking things out of the office. Chances are you have spent numerous hours (maybe days?) with this person you are selling your products and services. Time to ‘peel the onion’ and discover what lies beneath this person; besides spreadsheets and schematics. Whether you have finally consummated a deal or simply agree to take business away from the board room for a change, you decide it is time to loosen things up.

Hold on to our hats.

The first time you dip into social waters with a client (or prospect); you are willingly entering a new stratosphere. As they say, 'Buyer beware'.

Whether the plans involve dinner, a ball game or a Mexican cock fight - prepare yourself to see a different side of Sears.

The person you may perceive as Ozzie Nelson (1950s sitcom reference, kids, about a conservative American family) may actually turn out to be more of an Ozzy Osborne (no explanation required here)!

Which Ozzy will you be entertaining?

Ozzie Nelson

Scenario #1 - The Ozzie Nelson

You make plans to meet “Ozzie” at an agreed upon restaurant. Odds are that you have chosen an upscale, yet comfortable, spot to have a few cocktails and an agreeable meal. Upon arrival, you and Ozzie exchange your typical hellos. You both order an alcoholic beverage - but a conservative one. Ozzie has a glass of Merlot and you an Amstel Light. You exchange some pleasantries but in all likelihood you are just talking business in a different environment. The night progresses and things loosen up. The two of you enjoy a nice dinner and conversation. By the end of the evening you learn that each of you has a daughter that takes ballet and your wives both went to the University of Who Gives A Crap. Nonetheless, you have made a connection. You finish the evening, shake hands and part company. Before you walk away, Ozzie casually informs you that your company will be receiving a pending deal very soon.

Sweet – mission accomplished!

Good night, Mr. Nelson - say hello to Harriet and boys!

Ozzy Osbourne

Scenario #2 - The Ozzy Osbourne

You stand at the bar sipping a beer. You are intentionally early to ensure you have the restaurant scoped out. Bartender has your corporate credit card in hand, your table is standing ready. Enter your soon to be new best friend; "Ozzy 'Bark at the Moon' Osbourne". Slightly hesitant, but with a cool confidence, Ozzy quickly says hello to you and proceeds to order a double Jack & Gasoline on the rocks. Immediately taken back, you decide to follow suit and order your own Man Juice to let Ozzy that you are a serious business man but can let your proverbial hair down too. Three stiff drinks later you suggest you sit for dinner (truthfully, you need some bread before you yak in the coat room). Almost instantly, Ozzy is like your long lost brother. Sharing inappropriate details about his life, his marriage, his time in juvenile prison. Wisely, you smile and continue to drink at the pace of Wyatt Earp before the standoff at the OK Corral.

Before you know it you are getting the "I love you, mans" from the former Black Sabbath front man. While you are flattered, things are starting to border on surreal and uncomfortable. As dinner concludes you think you see daylight and prepare yourself for the dangerous fantastic voyage that is your commute home. Pump the brakes, my friend, we are just getting started.
As you hit the sidewalk and inhale the fresh night air, you quickly realize that your hopes of simply saying goodnight and getting the hell out of dodge are vanishing. Ozzy suggests another "stop". You guessed it - primitive male heaven - The Gentlemen's Club.  Tired, a little tipsy and somewhat weirded out- you quickly respond, "Hell yeah, let's go"!  American Express in hand you are already playing out the conversation in your head you are sure to be having to your company controller after he notices a $787.00 expense from the "Pink Pony Club". Regardless, this is all in the name of business - we march on.

Upon arrival at Chateau de Tramp, you quickly peel off $50 for the cover charge. Before you can recover from that, you have already ordered a couple $25 Vodka/Redbulls. Perfect. Prior to your first sip, Ozzy has already vanished into the Champagne Room with Marilyn Mon-Ho and charged it to your tab. Aces. You try to blend in. Sit through a few stage dances. Look at your watch. Nurse another drink in hopes that 'The Prince of Darkness' will be back soon and you can end this mid-life crises bachelor party. An hour later, the man you pray will be your next great white whale of client now returns to the table smelling of cheap rum and even cheaper perfume. You act cool. "What’s up, brother? Good time," you inquire? Suddenly you realize that Ozzy has taken a turn for the worst. Barely coherent and the expression of an alleged serial rapist on his face it dawns on you that you now have the burden of getting this maniac home.

By now it is 1:30AM on a Wednesday and you are 30 miles from home. Ozzy is a cool 50 miles away from his den of iniquity. In the interest of speed, you load him in a taxi and hand the cabbie $4000. "Please, take this guy to 125 Lonely Heart Lane in What-the-Hell-Just-Happened, Mass. Thanks, pal,".
And off he goes.

You jump in your car and take the One-Eye Expressway home and pray for a new tomorrow.
Arrive in your office the next morning after a night aboard the Crazy Train and the phone rings.

"Oh, hey Ozzy!?!"

"Great time last night, man", proclaims the Blizzard of Ozz.

"Yeah...it sure was," you gingerly respond.

"I'll be sending over that purchase order later today. Thanks again for a great time," proclaims an apparent clear minded Ozzy.

Touchdown.

"When we are we doing that again, Ozz-Man, ol buddy, ol pal," you shout.

While both evenings proved successful from a business standpoint, the question remains….which Ozzy would you like to entertain?  Dare I ask?

BUZZ-ness Etiquette

I admit it – I don’t care for business meetings. True, they are an important part of any successful organization - they allow for better communication, clarify company as well as individual goals and expectations, and offer the opportunity to share ideas face-to-face. I get it. I partake in these types of meetings everyday – vendor meetings, client meetings, company meetings, networking meetings…and so on.

Meetings, in principle, are fine by me but something has changed and it has caused some frustration. Specifically, when did so many “buzz” words and phrases enter into our business vocabulary? The list seems endless and all of them annoy me equally. The following are some of my un-favorites but there are many more that I am sure you have heard if you have been in on a conference call, in a board room or at a networking function in the last 5 years or so.

Champion: the person(s) responsible for executing on a specific task or project.
“I will champion our efforts to increase brand awareness in the marketplace”.


When did we decide to throw the word ‘champion’ around so loosely? Last time I checked none of the people I work with play for the Celtics, Red Sox, or Patriots. You are not a champion. You are an entry level customer service rep – go back to your desk!


Benchmark: the proverbial measuring stick for success of a given process, procedure or project.
“We need to set a benchmark for how research and development ties to sales revenue.”

What happened to “goal”, “target”, “objective”? Is benchmark even a word? I know it is 2 words stuffed together – but is it a real word? You know what, I don’t care – benchmark that.

Trusted advisor:  a person and/or company that you procure products or services from.
“ACME feels we are a trusted advisor to ABC Co and thank you for your continued business”.

Oh, you mean you are the guy that sells me my post-it notes…now I remember! Guess what, Skippy, I don’t trust you – take that under advisement! Sell me my post-it notes for a fair market price, deliver a quality product in a timely fashion – then we’ll start talking about the ‘Trust Tree’…Nest…whatever. (Old School reference in case you missed it)

Ping : (synonyms include “reach out”, “poke” and “tweet”) – the act of contacting or following up with an associate, typically via email.
“Let me get all the paperwork together and I will ping you later today”.

To me, ‘ping’ may be the grand wizard of annoying biz buzz words. In the not too distant past, if you overheard the phrase ‘I plan to ping you later in the week’ around the office – it usually meant there was a sexual harassment law suit looming!

Listen, we all do our best to sound intelligent in the workplace. We all strive to impress our peers and, more importantly, our customers but can we please drop the self-important jargon? How about we just use the good old fashioned English language – so I can figure out exactly what it is you actually plan to do?

I don’t mean to take a sarcastic, or even disgruntled, tone but I just want to know when Peter the Pushy Pencil Sharpener Sales guy plans to get me my 2009 Pencil Sharpener Proposal? Whew. Why Sally the Sad Sack from Accounting does not have last quarter’s financials ready? Or when that pederast Lumbergh will get me all of the TPS reports I have been waiting for (Office Space reference in case you missed it)?

Until then, I just to need to take one game at a time, play within myself, give a 110% and support my teammates. Wait, wait, wait…that’s annoying pro athlete-buzz…for another time.

Glengarry Glen Ross: Summer Edition

Remember Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross? For those of you that have ever been in sales, chances are someone has directed you to watch this movie. While not the most critically acclaimed picture, there is one of the most famous scenes in history related to salesmanship. In this lackluster story about a New York real estate office, Alec Baldwin delivers a blood pumping motivational speech to his sad sack team of salesmen. In a nutshell, he completely humiliates each one of them for their lack of success and desire. While most of the scene is an expletive-laced tirade by Baldwin, there is one key phrase that came out of it which is still often heard around many a sales seminar – “A.B.C. – Always Be Closing”.

What is really meant by the phrase is to always be selling - selling your products, you services, yourself.

If you have a passion for what you do, whether you are in sales or not, you are probably thinking about work even during your down time. If you do not have a passion for what you do, you can stop here and go back to watching last week’s episode of Entourage from your desk.

For example…
I am involved with a small casual clothing (t-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, etc.) company. We are always exploring new and creative ways to market our apparel as well as find new sales channels. Recently, while spending a weekend on the coast of Maine with my family, I missed an opportunity. One afternoon, we were walking around one of the many quaint towns in this part of the world. We stopped into a clothing store and I noticed they sold t-shirts of a competitor. I did not think much about until later that day on route home – I had missed a perfect opportunity to ‘soft sell’ our company. If I had my ‘A’ game that day, I would have promptly left my business card (or even better, a catalog) behind with the store manager and followed up when I returned to work. But, I didn’t.

This story is just an isolated example of what it means to ‘Always Be Closing’. While you may not be involved in a role that requires you to sell or maybe you can not translate your business into such simple terms as my tale of the retail store, it does not mean this mantra can not work for everyone.
Whether you are on vacation, out to dinner, at a ballgame with friends; you never know who you will meet and how they could influence your career. A few simple ideas to prepare you for that next chance opportunity

1. Always carry business cards. Even a few stuffed in that George Costanza wallet you have been lugging around for the last decade is fine.

2. Have an ‘elevator speech’ prepared. Essentially, be prepared to deliver a 30 second speech about your business and/or yourself. Be concise and to the point but emphasize what is important and compelling to your listener.

3. Be polite – to EVERYONE. The golden rule should always be in effect whether you are in a formal meeting or on the subway. Why? You just never know. The person sitting next to you could be your next big sale or maybe even your next boss!

Don’t get me wrong, your time away from work is precious and you should enjoy every minute of it, but it never hurts to keep your eyes wide open wherever the road takes you. You may discover the next best thing for you or your business is right in front of you.

Not motivated by this blog – see if Alec can do it for you,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-AXTx4PcKI  (for mature audiences!)